The Pleasure in Giving Pleasure By Camille Crimson

If you’re here, then you must like smut and you must be smart.  That makes you my kind of person.  When Lady Cheeky and I were talking about some type of guest post/collaboration for the site, we were very much on the same page right from the beginning, with ideas firing off left, right and centre.  It’s exciting to be in that type of conversation: two women, thrilled to be talking about sexuality and their minds.  While we ping-ponged correspondence, she was sweet enough to wax philosophical about why she likes what I do.  (What I do, in case you didn’t know, is make loving, sensual and respectful porn all about blowjobs.)

As she addressed the values of actually enjoying what you do, I got thinking.  It’s all well and good to believe that people should love giving pleasure, but it’s not quite as easy as that, especially depending on their personal experiences.  It’s just like anything else that you know is important and good for you, but isn’t necessarily easy to do.  Sometimes your presence of mind is there and you are able to do it, and there are moments where it seems like it could totally become routine and eventually natural for you, but then something stalls and you feel out of place…  Learning a new routine is hard.

So what do you do if you find yourself giving pleasure more out of a sense of duty than from a deep desire within?  What if you don’t have that innate natural urge to do that thing your partner loves?  Well, you have to give yourself some reasons, some time to ruminate on them and remind yourself that it’s a process.

There are a lot of good reasons to learn to love to give sexually.  Among them, it really does improve sex.  If your partner is feeling like you care about their pleasure, they’ll have an infinitely better time.  And not that it’s all about quid pro quo, but (in many cases) the more you give, the more you get.  Being open to giving pleasure fosters an environment that encourages that for both of you.  By receiving pleasure, your partner is reminded of how good that feels and hopefully the cycle will continue.

In order to give pleasure, there needs to be a lot of communication, whether it’s verbal or body language or just feeling the energy between you.  The more you unfold about the way they like to feel, the more you’ll understand them.  Not that sex is always an indicator of the way people are in other aspects of life, but you may find yourself with a deeper appreciation for their little quirks…  You may see more of them in everything they do by unfolding this new side.  Having this type of insight can mean so much for a relationship.

There’s also a real sense of empathy that can crop up.  That isn’t to say that you will feel bad for not naturally being a pleasure-giver, but getting close like this can put you in tune not only with their physical reactions, but with their emotional ones too. Seeing your partner in the afterglow of amazing sex can bring up so many feelings.  It can be quite an incredible experience, and you really do get hooked on that sensation.  Everything leading up to that moment becomes all the more exciting and necessary in retrospect, and that does help to shift into the pleasure-giving mentality.

It’s nice to develop a new skill.  It makes you feel good about yourself to feel like you’re good at something, and making your partner feel amazing is one of the most beautiful and complicated things you can do.  It’s not always going to happen, but even in the pursuit of an orgasm, you create amazing sensations.  It’s an excellent self-esteem boost, not just for a job well-done, but for opening up and getting better in tune with this part of yourself.

That’s a wonderful thing.  It does take a certain vulnerability to be able to really give yourself over to creating sensuality.  It’s not just as simple as giving a blowjob or a handjob or whatever it is you’re trying to appreciate from within…  It’s about accessing a whole different level of eroticism and connection.  it’s a path to understanding yourself better, because you go through things and you think about your reactions and your preconceptions in order to get there.  It may sound cheesy, but there is an element of a journey to really getting in touch with a way to enjoy giving pleasure and making that a part of your life.  It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it for everyone.

ABOUT CAMILLE CRIMSON:
Camille Crimson is the webmaster and performer behind TheArtofBlowjob.com and SlowMotionBlowjob.com.  She also keeps her own blog at CamilleCrimson.com and has had writing recently featured on xoJane.comGoodMenProject.com and has a weekly advice column on Fleshbot.com.  She believes that blowjobs can be sensual, connected and fun and that porn can truly be beautiful.

Lady Cheeky’s Favorite Books On Sex

        Amazon.com: Lady Cheeky: Lady Cheeky’s Book Suggestions

In case you were looking for some scintillating or informative reading on SEX … I put together a list of my favorites. I could only do this as a “wish list” on AMAZON, but don’t worry , I’m not asking you to buy me books!  Just thought I’d provide a list of books I like to those that are interested.  xo LC

Aneros Kegel Exerciser, Evi Praised by Sex Educators (Look for my quote!)

By Ariana Rodriguez - Monday, Sep 24, 2012

LONG BEACH, Calif. — Evi, a hands-free Kegel exerciser by health-conscious manufacturer Aneros, made its debut at the CatalystCon conference in Long Beach, on Sept. 14-16.

For more information on Evi by Aneros, or to enter a raffle to win an Evi, visitAneros.com/evi/.

Evi was presented to CatalystCon attendees by Ducky Dolittle, a sexpert of more than 20 years.  Doolittle’s seminar, “Kegels and the Art of Orgasm” offered conference attendees a guided tour of the female anatomy and the benefits of strengthening PC muscles, which control urine flow and contract during orgasm. A self-proclaimed “kegel monster,” Doolittle offered her full endorsement of Evi, noting her personal mind-blowing experience with Aneros’ latest design and subsequent partnership with the brand after personally contacting Aneros.

“It’s totally unique,” Doolittle said in her presentation of Evi.  “Aneros understands the anatomy unlike any other company.”

CatalystCon organizer Dee Dennis stated, “I was thrilled ANEROS chose CatalystCon to debut Evi.  CatalystCon is about creating change, and I feel we created something groundbreaking by launching a product not at the traditional industry trade show, but instead with actual sex education, going right to those who will use Evi.  The message Aneros sent by debuting Evi at CatalystCon was their first concern is not bottom line or sales, but the sexual health and well being of those who will be using Evi.”

The hands-free device is anatomically designed to fit all women and is made of medical grade silicone material guaranteeing users stimulation while strengthening PC muscles. With correct insertion, Evi alternately stimulates the G-spot and clitoris with a simple Kegel exercise, essentially providing pleasurable incentives for Kegel fitness, the company said.

Firm enough to pivot and hold its shape, while providing comfort, Evi is described as delivering a delightful inner fullness by adapting to the anatomical contours of a woman’s vagina.  Contracting and relaxing pelvic floor muscles causes Evi to stroke the anterior wall of the vagina known as the G-spot, while externally stimulating the clit.  The pace and pressure can be controlled by rocking and twirling the hips, thus offering women versatile stimulation.

According to the company, early reviews of Evi report strengthened PC muscles and intense orgasms marked by involuntary vaginal contractions, to which Evi responds by elongating the experience and often leading to female ejaculation.  For newbies, Evi by Aneros serves as a tool for gauging PC muscle strength, while encouraging fitness through pleasure.

Sex blogger and sex-positive activist Lady Cheeky said, “I was interested in Evi primarily for its kegel focus.  I found Evi provided me with a comfortable, and dare I say, enjoyable workout for my pelvic floor muscles.  Once inserted, my kegels were immediately engaged and intuitively clasped onto Evi, making the kegel exercise itself thought-free.  Extremely comfortable, I could walk, sit, and drive, all the while knowing Evi was secure and doing its job.  Evi is like a barbell for your lady bits!”

“We attend a lot of conferences and have interacted with a lot of sponsors, and we’ve never been as impressed as we were with Aneros at CatalystCon,” EvilSlutopia.com co-founders and executive editors Lilith and Jezebel said.  “The fact they chose CatalystCon for the Evi launch says a lot about them as a company and their dedication to sex positivity and sex education…We’ve never seen any sponsor treat the conference organizer so well or be so genuinely nice, helpful, and professional and just overall fucking awesome to everyone.”

At the conclusion of Doolittle’s presentation of Evi at CatalystCon, a raffle sent several enthusiastic winners home with an Evi of their own — however, discarded packaging in the women’s bathroom suggested some women couldn’t wait to take Evi for a spin.

You can find out more about the EVI by Aneros on http://www.aneros.com/evi/

The Sex Before The Sex by Kim Anami

*I wish there were more articles written about how important this is to any relationship. This is concise and accurate. I’ve always said “it takes at least a week to seduce a woman” … I’m glad other people agree. What do you think? *

Originally published on 9/21/12 on www.kimanami.com

I’m into mindf**king.

I like to be penetrated long before any physical contact takes place.

In fact, I need to be.

Witty banter, teasing, verbal double entendres—all foreplay for me.

The people I am attracted to have a keen grasp on language, ideas and poetry. Little that they say is strictly linear or without a hint of play or sexuality.

I’ve written about the only battle for lovers to have.  

For me, that battle starts early. It could go on for days. Weeks. It doesn’t need to stop.

Each throw down we have, each time we cannot resist physical touch any longer, wipes the slate clean and gives us the chance to start anew.

Who will bring the other person to wetness or hardness first? Who will be so overcome with desire that they tackle the other person when they get in the door?

You know that I suggest that couples schedule a weekly three-hour sex date.  Ideally, you have several other sex dates throughout the week. (Though if you do it right, the three hours can carry you into the next week).

Prior to that sex date, even days prior, you want to begin foreplay.

The art of great foreplay is a hint of what’s to come, without spilling everything. It’s the desire mixed with the uncertainty of whether it will really happen or how.

It’s compliments. Genuine ones. We open and disarm each other, stripping the other bare.

Steamy, sexual craving is generated out of a deeply honest conversation. Again, you are removing the barriers between you.

One of my favourite “sexual simmer” tools is via texting.

The beauty of texting/sexting is that you can have sex with your partner all day long.

And you ought to.

When you get into heavy-duty flirting texting, the key is to dance around the obvious, not dive into the obvious.

For example, if my lover was to text me:

“I want you to suck my cock.”

Well, chances are, I want to suck his cock too. What’s far more interesting and arousing is playing with the possibility of me sucking his cock. And how.

Pay attention to ways in which you could work in phrases like “on your knees” or “open-mouthed” or “spray” or “swallow” into the conversation. It ought to be natural. Remember, the implied act goes much farther than the clear naming of it.

This is an art form.

It’s called seduction.

The more you practice it, the better you get at it.

“It” ought to comprise the subtext of many of your conversations. This is the stuff of the “constant simmer” that I talk about maintaining between you and in between your sex dates.

This keeps your sexual energy high. It keeps you connected.

It ought to keep you so wet and so hard, that when it comes time for your sex date, you are 80% ready for physical penetration.

Because you’ve spent the last hours and days penetrating the hell out of each other.

Big Think Interview With Barry Komisaruk A Conversation with Komisaruk, the Rutgers Psychologist and Author of the Book, “The Orgasm Answer Guide.”

Big Think Interview With Barry Komisaruk
A conversation with Komisaruk, the Rutgers psychologist and author of “The Orgasm Answer Guide.”

Question: Are men and women hard-wired to have the same sexual responses?

Barry Komisaruk: There was an interesting research study by Vance and Wagner that was done in 1975; it was a long time ago, but it was a very interesting study where they asked men and women to describe their orgasms in writing and then they removed all specific references to the genitals, so you couldn’t tell whether it was a man or a women — these were college students describing their orgasms — and then they gave the descriptions. Each one was about a short paragraph of the description of the orgasm. They gave the descriptions to sex therapists and various experts in sexuality, M.D.s, asking, “Can you tell which one is written by a male and which is written by a female?” The upshot of the experiment was that they couldn’t identify accurately whether the description of the orgasm was made by a man or a woman.

So on that basis, my conclusion and their conclusion is that the feelings of orgasm, when you remove the specific reference to the genitals or which difference between the the genitals and the sexes, that the feelings of the orgasm are indistinguishable from each other, between men and women.

Question: Why are some women unable to climax?

Barry Komisaruk: We don’t really know why some women can’t experience orgasms. I started out by some years ago trying to find women who don’t experience orgasms to study them in looking at their brain activity during genital self-stimulation and we identified one women and she — but she before she came to our lab she said she got a new boyfriend and now she’s had her first orgasm. So that did it for that experiment. We’re still looking and it is a very interesting question. We don’t really know. Certainly there are situations in which with peripheral nerve damage or diabetes, these can impede the neural transmission, the sensory nerves.

It’s much rarer in the case of men. McKenzie reported that only a few, two or three, of the men they interviewed out of many hundreds could have orgasms by thought alone, but we have found a substantial number of women who can have orgasms just by thinking. We’ve studied them and are continuing to study them and it’s really very interesting. We measured their heart rate and blood pressure and pain thresholds, which pain thresholds go up during orgasm. In other words, we found that women become much less sensitive to pain during orgasm and also their pupils dilate. All those measures, the heart rate, blood pressure, pain thresholds, and pupil dilations, they are all about doubled during orgasm generated by genital self-stimulation.

What we found is that women – we had ten women in the laboratory who said they could have orgasms just by thought and we measured their physiological responses when they applied genital self-stimulation, actual physical stimulation, and then we compared it with when they said they had orgasms by though alone. The physiological responses were essentially the same. They were indistinguishable. In other words, those women were really having orgasms just by thinking. They had different ideas – we asked them what their thought process was to elicit the orgasm and some said they had erotic imagery, but others said they had pastoral imagery, like walking along the shore on a warm summer day. Other women have a much more abstract image such as imagining the energy moving up and down their body and producing the orgasm. So, there are big individual differences.

Now we’re looking at their brain activity in women who have orgasms by thought alone and we are seeing very great similarities between when they have orgasms by just thinking and orgasms when they do genital self-stimulation.

Question: Is there something psychological going on?

Barry Komisaruk: We’re starting to study men and it’s a very good question, but we don’t really know what the difference is. It seems to be much rarer in men than in women. One of the things we are finding, very new findings, is that when women think of different parts of their body, the thinking about those parts of the body activates the sensory cortex. There’s a map of the body on the sensory cortex. In other words, the fingers are in one place and the toes are represented in another place, the face is represented in another place, the genitals in another place. It’s all systematically laid out, very much like the body plan is laid out on the sensory cortex.

What we’re finding is that when women think about their finger being stimulated, or they think about their toe being stimulated, or they think about their clitoris being stimulated, or their nipple, that the corresponding part of the body, the representation of it in the sensory cortex, of those body parts is actually activated just as if they are really being stimulated physically. I think one of the interesting questions is whether, since women can think their genital systems into actual activity in the brain, can men do the same thing? If they can’t then that might be a way of understanding why women can have orgasms by thought alone. Are the activating their genital sensory representation, which then spreads to other parts of the brain? And can men not do that? We don’t really know. But we have the tools to investigate that.

Question: How is the brain related to female sexual response?

Barry Komisaruk: Well, it’s interesting that you ask that question because we are really dealing with that right now. Since we know that if you think about the clitoris, or think about the G-spot, or think about the cervix that the corresponding part of the brain map for those parts of the body, those become activated. So, one question is whether women who can think themselves to orgasm, do they think their genital activation that the brain representation of the genitalia into activity and does that spread to the other systems that are involved in orgasm, how do they do it? We want to understand how they do it normally and then the question is what if we ask women to think about the genitals more intensively? Or, will they be able to intensify the response in their genital sensory cortex, and will that spread to other parts of the brain, will that facilitate their orgasm? I think it could be very useful in women who say that they don’t experience orgasms; it could be useful in women with spinal cord injury who can’t feel their external genitals. Can they think their brain into greater activation and will that facilitate their orgasm?

That’s a question that we are currently dealing with our brain research. It’s a very important and interesting question and it could be therapeutically useful. One of the techniques that we’ve developed is to have the women in the scanner looking at their own brain activity in near real time. The question is, if we can see our own brain activity in near real time in specific regions, can we voluntarily increase the activity of that part of the brain just by thinking about it, just as we can think about moving our finger and we can move our finger? We can wiggle our finger. We don’t know what we do, we learned to do it as an infant because we got the feedback between what we see and what we do, maybe we can do something with the brain. If we see our own brain activity, maybe we can make a change and maybe that’s going to change the way we feel, or the way we move. So, this is a new technology of near real time brain imaging with unlimited frontiers. We don’t really know how far we can go with that. But it’s a new approach.

Recorded on October 29, 2009 on www.bigthink.com   

“The Orgasm Answer Guide.” by Barry Komisaruk can be purchased on Amazon.com