Jan 162013
 
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Originally published on EvolvedWorld.com - January 14 2013

Ahhh January – the crisp, bracing air, the relief that the holidays are behind us and the optimistic promise of a whole new year ahead. Each January my friends, colleagues and nosy grocery store clerks ask me the dreaded question “have you made any New Year’s resolution’s?” My reply is always the same one I give for anyone asking me my age “Fine thank you”. The confused look on their faces never ceases to amuse me as I slink away; proud I’ve escaped answering that question yet again.

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. I’ve always been an immediate gratification gal and didn’t make the yearly over-promise because it always seemed too high aiming and unachievable in a satisfying amount of time … at least for this impatient writer.

Yet, I can’t deny there is some wisdom in making a resolution and sticking to it. The discipline and drive to commit to an immediate improving of one’s condition is a great way to ameliorate our well-being and over-all health.

This year, I was going to take that principle to heart. I was determined to improve one thing in my life pronto and I knew exactly what that was. In the past few months I had become all too aware that my sex life had started to take the back burner to other parts of my life. After my divorce a few years ago, I had vowed never to let my sex life suffer again. That was it. No more sitting around. It’s 2013 I am going to improve my sexual attitude. But where to start?

Meditate: Figure Out The Basic Need That’s Not Being Met

On New Year’s Day, I turned off all electronic devices (gasp!) and began to search my soul for the answer I knew was buried. How could I re-energize my sex life? Frustrated, I picked up one of my favorite books on sexuality, Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston. Bingo. Sheri never disappoints. All I had to do was read these lines under the heading Whole Sex – Macro to Micro:

“Your sexuality is about your connection to everyone and everything around you … you are a sexual being not a sexual ‘doing.’ Sex is not just something you do – it’s a fundamental and inseparable part of who you are.”

This really resonated with me. My lack of importance placed on sex recently was the loss of focus on how it makes me feel when I’m connected to my sexual self. When I’m having great sex my senses are more astute, my mood is elevated and my interaction with others is more positive and engaging. I missed all those feelings and wanted them back.

Enumerate: Identify Three Ways To Achieve Your New Goal

I love to make lists, but I can get carried away and end up overwhelming myself with steps and procedures to follow. So, I kept it simple and allowed myself three things to do to change my sexual attitude. For me, the best first step is to research. Researching always gets me excited about my topic and it’s a way my inner “know-it-all” gets exercised. In my fact-finding mission I came up with three ways to encourage my sexual attitude to grow and become more diverse. My personal list is made up of A) something I’ve wanted to learn, B) something I’ve wanted to become better at and C) something I’ve been putting off. I came up with: learning Orgasmic Meditation, become better at the art of lingam (penis) massage and a resolution to acquire a new, like-minded lover to practice with. Great! I had my list, now I had to take the leap and start the journey.

Participate: Take The Quickest Action To Achieve One Of Your Goals

This is perhaps the most challenging part of change, the actual dirty work (pardon the pun). However, the most important aspect of this last step is not to delay. I resolved to tackle my chosen first step immediately. If I didn’t engage myself posthaste, chances were I’d keep putting it off. When I found a local Orgasmic Meditation group on Meetup.com, I signed up for my first introduction that same week. Just taking that first step excited and inspired me to investigate other ways to encourage my inner sex goddess to express herself again. I found my desire to pick up the Anais Nin book I had put down and was suddenly inspired to write more erotica.

The most surprising aspect of these three steps was that it immediately opened up my sensuality again. I had a familiar sway to my step and lilt to my voice just from acknowledging and welcoming it back into the fold. I truly believe this small but powerful master-stroke toward changing my sexual attitude right away on New Year’s Day, opened me up to attract more like-minded partners and friends – people who support my new attitude and foster its growth.

I’m only eleven days into the re-invigorating of my sybaritic soul, but so far I’m very glad I actually made and followed through with a resolution this year. Now, if people ask me if I’ve made any New Year’s resolutions, I won’t confuse them with a flippant remark, I’ll intrigue them with the answer “I’m changing my sexual attitude!” as I skip off to practice Orgasmic Meditation, lingam massage or make-out with a new lover.

Jan 072013
 
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I loved this when I first read it and recently went back to it again. So smart. -LC

By Nicole Daedone  Originally published on her blog www.NicoleDaedone.com on 8/8/12

This is what I have come to understand. There is absolutely zero context for men to know how to fuck a Turned On Woman—meaning a woman who is free, who is capable of what I call Unconditional Sex; sex that is not saddled with “conditions” such as promises of wedding proposals, dishwashers, babies. A woman who owns her sex and does not need to use it for barter, who has the wealth and luxury—both energetic and emotional—to use it for her pleasure.

A man I’ve been seeing said, “Yeah, we (men) don’t know what to do because that kind of woman is like a unicorn”.

Sex has been the purview of men, and as such its uses have mostly been masculine. Not a problem in and of itself, but in my opinion a woman’s touch is needed in the arena of what it “means.” I see a polarization of sorts, where, running from sex-as-gravely-significant or sex-for-procreation, the masculine veers way to the other end of the scale: devoid of any emotion, connection or caring; wanton, gluttonous. The only reasons for a woman to engage would be (a) desperation, (b) the “god-given” woman’s agenda (to snag a man in her snare) or, worst of all, (c) that she approaches sex “like a man.” In the present context it is absolutely impossible that a woman could maintain her femininity; still like to yield and surrender; want deep connection and love sex… with—gasp!—more than one person. (Oh, and not be salacious and therefore open to anything from BDSM and gang bangs.) Within the game as it exists, this is a total non-sequitur.

We lack gradients, we live in an either/or perspective. Either a woman’s legs are locked and closed and safe and healthy or else they are open to just about anything flying in there. In the present context it is unthinkable that a woman could both practice discernment and feed her beast. I suppose that it is assumed that she is too fragile to tame the thing. And I suppose this is because we underestimate the power of love as the most powerful trainer.

One of the responses I get most often is that it is intimidating to be with a woman who is facile in the arena of sex. Not “thank god,” not “finally we can see what this thing can do,” but “how do I compare to other guys?” Which leads me to believe that men are not liberated sexually either. Their prowess only goes so far, it is in the hunt, but the having, the devouring is beyond both sexes. There is a hungry ghost rattling around the male psyche that rarely gets exposed. When it does, it goes something like this: I am good at wanting, craving, reaching, begging, but when the food is placed on my table, for some reason I am incapable of eating it. Part of the conditioning of the male psyche is that for a man to admit that he didn’t pounce, it would mean that he was of all things a “pussy,” the worst thing for a man to be, and her sexual appetite makes her a harlot, too man-like—put your negative connotation here—the worst thing she could be.

What I am getting is that we are in one of those Chinese finger locks, both are stuck, each hoping the other has the solution. Yes, the solution is to stop pulling away from each other. It is to stand in the face of this orgasm and brave our various sets of conditioning in order to enter and meet inside of it.

As far as I can tell the biggest challenge for women is a sense of hopelessness that it will ever be “any good”, that it will ever be sex from her native land, the kind where her body can open and she can lose herself. Time and again I hear, he’s too rough, he’s too fast, he doesn’t have enough attention. When I ask these women if they show these men what to do or slow them down, they sink into the paralysis of learned helplessness with an underlying preemptive anger. (And the unconscious fear of being the deer who suddenly turns and tells the lion how to take this meal to the next level.) The assumption is that a man doesn’t want to learn. And I would say, yes, learning occurs in the brain as physical pain. Yes learning is hard. No one likes it. And ultimately it is the only thing that brings us gratification. And I sincerely have never met a man who was not open to suggestion—sometimes they feel clumsy and stupid and try to hide it with bravado (like we all do), but with care and communication, they do have a deep desire.

The biggest challenge I see that men face is the “what is in it for me” mentality, which is devastating in the arena of sexuality. Great for business, bad for orgasm. The daemon which is a fundamental sexual energy, the necessary element of self-seeking that takes her, has run a bit rampant in the conditioned psyche of man such that no matter how much he grabs, he never gets his. That is the real nature of a hungry ghost. The conditioned psyche of men in this culture is that they can grab and grab but they cannot ingest. The daemon has got a hold of them and they are doing its bidding and it will never be gratified. This is why we see masculine driven sex in this culture as empty calories; that devoid of emotion, it is based solely on consumption but not nourishment. And it is a catch-22 in that the constant craving for more that in turn leads toward self seeking prevents the actual nourishment that would bring gratification.

Women hold the counter-pose or the antidote. But dammit, we won’t administer it. We won’t administer it because to do so we would need a place to plug the IV into and that would be straight into the vein of sex. And all the things that would signify about us that we are unwilling to claim. But this isn’t mere weakness or petulance. It lies in the fact that one’s capacity to stand in truth, to not lose oneself in a sea of opinions, to live essentially in an autonomous mind, a room of one’s own, is a result of contacting one’s own daemon as one does through… you got it… orgasm. Again, catch 22— she does not have the muscle to steer sex into the arena of what she likes and wants because she is not having the sex she wants which would develop that muscle. In other words, women do not have the power surging thorough them to withstand judgment about their sex and so do not bring the “other half” of sex, that would nourish both, into the equation.

579178_10152237903185494_755372263_nBut someone’s gotta give. You can’t go to the gym to look good enough to go to the gym. At some point you just gotta face the fact that it is going to hurt. Guys, it is going to screw with your masculinity but you are going to have to be with a woman who is facile enough in the sexual arena, free of all of the signifiers that make you a man, like the agreement to play chaste and subservient. And you are going to have to reward these women for giving you an education that hurts in the receiving. And that will require you to postpone the “getting yours” because in this case “yours” is the receiving of this education which is more a marathon than a sprint and will result in you shifting into a mindset that goes from mere quantity to quality, which ultimately nourishes you and quells the craving or converts it into depth.

And women friends, you are just going to have to withstand the throwing of tomatoes. What is the alternative? Keep your orgasm tamped down for another thousand years because you were unwilling to be called a few names or forego the illusion of there ever being a savior. Yes, there is a savior and guess what— you are it. You are here to save sex from the devastating state it’s in, unless porn, and weird sex where you have to use foreign words like yoni, or medicalized sex replete with medication, is your thing.

Here’s where you start. You admit you want it. Then you determine that are going to make it good. Not that you are going to hope and pray beyond all hope that this guy will be the one to magically “get it.” You are going to insure beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is brilliant and successful. You are going to make it through the dip. The dip is where everyone quits. It’s what Organic Chemistry is to medical school: the class that filters out about 80 per cent of students because it is so challenging. And the dip in terms of your orgasm is your willingness to withstand judgment about being a Turned On Woman. If you can make it through that dip, you have earned your stripes and deserve to have access to the power that orgasm can bring. But you’ve got to earn your chops and withstand the presumptions and assumptions about what it means for a woman to be sexual and then even worse, right when you want to konk them on the head and say “are your out of your friggin’ mind?”—you are going to educate. You are going to educate people into a new way— a way where sex without conditions does not mean sex without consciousness. In the same way it is not weakness that has one able to love unconditionally, it actually stems from strength, it is not desperation that has a woman sex unconditionally, it actually stems from power.

With this in mind, I thought I would give a little guide for the guys as to how to prepare to meet with a Turned on Woman. Sort of like when you are going to camp and they tell you how to prepare—this is How to Prepare to Fuck a Turned On Woman. Mind you, this is just how to prepare to fuck this turned on woman, but in holding up my end of the deal, the one where I make sure that you are brilliant and successful with me—here goes.

We can make this very easy. Set a time and show up on time. Both of us will be feeling a certain anticipation. We will be riding that edge of turn on and irritation. The more we can both stay inside the parameters we agree on in terms of logistics, the more we will develop trust and the more powerfully we can let go. I know how to manage sexual tension in my body, how to allow it to build and build. To a point. Often you hear about a woman being dramatic. Its not drama—it’s screech level anticipation. I want it to be that you show up and I am in the sweet spot—that line where I am having you and wanting you both. I cannot tell you how many guys “got lost on my way” coming over to have sex.

A context needs to be set because this is neither a bootie call nor a marriage ceremony. Alan Watts once said that life is far too serious to be taken seriously. This is as well. Again we are looking for a sweet spot where, on the one hand, we acknowledge that we are exploring together in the most charged, intense, potential that exists on the planet; and on the other, in the same way Suzuki Roshi says that enlightenment is just sitting—this is just sex. The experience begins when we agree to meet, and from that moment everything from wondering what I should wear for you to feeling a throb in my pussy when I imagine you being here, is part of it. I include everything, which makes it that much richer. It is like going to the symphony and being attuned to every note. Somehow doing this creates an experience of losing oneself. That is the ultimate experience that I am looking for with you—for each of us to lose ourselves and discover what is there when we do. =

For this reason I like it when you text or email me your thoughts, desires …… Read the rest on Nicole’s blog:  ORIGINAL POSTING FROM NICOLE DAEDONE’S WEBSITE HERE

 

 

Nicole Daedone is a sought-after speaker, teacher, and author who has spent her groundbreaking career redefining orgasm from a woman’s point of view. Starting with her fundamental belief that a woman’s sex is her power, she treats supposedly taboo subjects with unparalleled humor, intelligence, and insight.

Nicole is the author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (Grand Central/Hachette, May 2011) and is the founder of OneTaste, a company that offers training in orgasm, communication, and man-woman relationships through online media and in-person coaching and courses. The practice at the heart of her work is called OM or Orgasmic Meditation. OM uniquely combines the tradition of extended orgasm with Nicole’s own interest in Zen Buddhism, mystical Judaism and semantics. Helping to foster a new conversation about orgasm—one that’s relevant and real—she has inspired thousands of students to make OM a part of their everyday lives.

Her work has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Post, the San Francisco Chronicle, and 7×7 Magazine, among others, and her writing has appeared in Tricycle magazine. She is also a featured speaker at the 2011 TEDxSF conference.

For more about OneTaste and OM, visit www.onetaste.us. Nicole’s blog appears at www.nicoledaedone.com.

Nov 142012
 
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By Elle Chase

Originally Posted on Tuesday, November 13 2012 - www.EvolvedWorld.com

In this fast food culture, women’s sexual release is often relegated to the back of the bus.  Nowhere is this more evident than in the female orgasm and how it’s attained.

As a woman who went on a sexual discovery journey I learned a few things on the way about orgasms in general and orgasms for women specifically. For

instance, an orgasm should be thought of  not as the climax of a specific act, but should include the act itself. Candice Holdorf, columnist for The Orgasmic Lifeand elephant journal has a definition of orgasm that really resonated with me. Candice explains:

“… orgasm is pulsing breath of life that births every moment. Orgasm is the chilly tickle on the edge of my skin as my lover draws his tongue from the edge of my ear to the tip of my nipple. It’s the warm flush in my face and genitals when I reveal a taboo desire.  It is the fire of my hunger and the blazing force that opens me to pleasure.”

This definition of orgasm refers to all-encompassing act where a woman can fully take advance of and surrender to all the pleasures that lead up to her climax. But how can we achieve this heightened state?

Give Yourself Permission

I’m not being patronizing. As women we do it all, we are breadwinners, mothers, students, career women and a lot more. We do so much for others on a daily basis that we sometimes forget that it is just as important (if not more so) to nurture ourselves with as much care. When you are in the position to be receiving an orgasm, whether it’s by yourself or with a partner, take a moment to recognize that this is your time. Give yourself permission to accept the love and the pleasure that comes with such an intimate act. Relax into the moment with deep breaths and stilling your mind. Concentrate on how your partner is touching you (or you are touching yourself.) Allow the glorious feelings that come with this directed touch to reverberate within and use it as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level with yourself and/or your partner i.e. your needs, your pleasure zones, your relaxation.  This is a time to connect intimately with your partner and even with yourself.

orgasm_faces

 

Let Your Senses Guide You

Your senses are your best friend in orgasm, they communicate with you by their degree of intensity. Don’t forget about them and let them happen. Pay attention to what they are telling you. Do you get goose bumps when she flicks her tongue on your belly button? Do you get wet when he kisses your neck? Do you flinch with pleasure when you massage your mons? Your body’s various levels of response to certain stimulation is information about how you like to cum and it’s not all physical either. What your partner whispers in your ear can lead to a visceral response as well. Even the music you play or pure silence punctuated with your own breathing and moans could be something that excites you. Whatever it is, make note of it and communicate it with your partner later (or show him by moans and groans while he’s doing it) or if flying solo, make a mental note for yourself for next time.

Set The Stage

Respect the time you’ve set aside for orgasm and make certain you don’t inadvertently set yourself up to fail.  If you’re anxiously awaiting a call from work in an hour, chances are you won’t be able to fully relax into your body and be present. Make sure you honor this time and set the stage for an intimate and sexy rendezvous with yourself and/or your partner. Do candles get you in the mood? Light ‘em up! Does Enya make you feel sultry? Pop her in the iPod. Maybe you feel sexy naked or like to lounge about in just a bra? Perhaps you like to be in the dark or in a freshly made bed? Whatever it is, don’t be stingy. This is YOUR time and you should make it count.

Try Something New And Different

Something I have been interested in exploring lately is Orgasmic Meditation, or “OMing” for short. OMing is a mindfulness practice where the object of focus is the clitoris. Developed by Nicole Daedone, author ofSlow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, OMing is an exercise done in its entirety with a partner (although it can be practiced on one’s own) and promotes the slow massaging of the clitoris and surrounding vulva. The apparent result is a blissfully languorous indulgence for the woman where all attention is placed on making her feel good, becoming more intimately connected as a couple as well as extending the “sensory peak” that precedes climax. As someone who likes to practice what she preaches, this is my new “taking charge of my own orgasm” goal. Having explored many different ways to achieve a diverse fare of orgasms, I look forward to trying this practice and reporting back my results. Wish me luck!

All in all, the basic message here is to remain open and self-aware. Men and women both deserve to take advantage of all the pleasure human body is capable of. Besides being enjoyable, orgasm is a natural and free way to achieve stress relief, a built-in mood equalizer and just plain fun! Explore your potential and allow yourself the freedom to come and come and come!

 

Nov 122012
 
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Nicole Daedone is a sought-after speaker, author, and educator focusing on the intersection between orgasm, intimacy, and life. She is the founder of OneTaste, a cutting-edge company bringing a new definition of orgasm to women. The practice at the heart of her work is called OM or Orgasmic Meditation. OM uniquely combines the tradition of extended orgasm with Nicole’s own interest in Zen Buddhism, mystical Judaism and semantics. Helping to foster a new conversation about orgasm —one that’s real, relevant, and intelligent—she has inspired thousands of students to make OM a part of their everyday lives.

Nicole graduated from San Francisco State University with a degree in semantics and gender communication. She went on to found the popular avant garde art gallery 111 Minna Gallery in SoMa before moving on to OneTaste. Nicole is the author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (Grand Central/Hachette, May 2011) and has appeared on ABC’s Nightline. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Post, the San Francisco Chronicle, and 7×7 Magazine, among others, and her writing has appeared in Tricycle magazine. In his #1 New York Times Bestseller The 4-Hour Body Timothy Ferriss calls the OM practice “required education for every man on the planet.”

For more about OneTaste and OM, visit http://onetaste.us. Nicole’s blog appears at http://nicoledaedone.com. Twitter: @NicoleDaedone  Twitter: @OneTaste Facebook: Nicole Daedone  OneTaste Facebook: OneTaste

Aug 092012
 
What-Casual-Sex

By Nicole Daedone Originally posted on her site www.NicoleDaedone.com on August 8, 2012

This is what I have come to understand.  There is absolutely zero context for men to know how to fuck a Turned On Woman—meaning a woman who is free, who is capable of what I call Unconditional Sex; sex that is not saddled with “conditions” such as promises of wedding proposals, dishwashers, babies.  A woman who owns her sex and does not need to use it for barter, who has the wealth and luxury—both energetic and emotional—to use it for her pleasure.

A man I’ve been seeing said, “Yeah, we (men) don’t know what to do because that kind of woman is like a unicorn”.

Sex has been the purview of men, and as such its uses have mostly been masculine.  Not a problem in and of itself, but in my opinion a woman’s touch is needed in the arena of what it “means.”  I see a polarization of sorts, where, running from sex-as-gravely-significant or sex-for-procreation, the masculine veers way to the other end of the scale: devoid of any emotion, connection or caring; wanton, gluttonous.

The only reasons for a woman to engage would be (a) desperation, (b) the “god-given” woman’s agenda (to snag a man in her snare) or, worst of all, (c) that she approaches sex “like a man.”  In the present context it is absolutely impossible that a woman could maintain her femininity; still like to yield and surrender; want deep connection and love sex… with—gasp!—more than one person.  (Oh, and not be salacious and therefore open to anything from BDSM and gang bangs.)  Within the game as it exists, this is a total non-sequitur.

We lack gradients, we live in an either/or perspective.  Either a woman’s legs are locked and closed and safe and healthy or else they are open to just about anything flying in there.  In the present context it is unthinkable that a woman could both practice discernment and feed her beast.  I suppose that it is assumed that she is too fragile to tame the thing.  And I suppose this is because we underestimate the power of love as the most powerful trainer.

One of the responses I get most often is that it…  View full article »

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