May 082014
 
Unknown-5

I got to cross this off of my 2014 wish list!  I love me some Sex Nerd Sandra, (really, who doesn’t?) So when Sex Nerd Sandra called me, and asked if I could come in that afternoon to record a podcast, I had to squelch a nerdy, audible ‘chirp’ of delight.

We recorded 2 shows; one on ‘Big Beautiful Sex’ and another that came from a conversation Sandra and I were having about me taking a break from dating. The other half of this current episode of the Sex Nerd Sandra Podcast is her conversation with brilliant, sex-positive therapist, Kate Loree, LMFT who shares her insightful opinions on dating and making good choices. I learned a lot from listening to Kate, and I know you will too. So, even if you’re sick of me, check out Sandra and Kate’s half of the podcast you’ll be glad you did I promise. :)


Please to enjoy, HERE

sns142

 

 

For more on Sex Nerd Sandra:                                                For more on Kate Loree, LMFT:

Web: www.SexNerdSandra.com                                             Web:  www.KateLoree.com

Twitter: @SexNerdSandra                                                        Email: kloreelmft@gmail.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/sexnerdsandra                  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kates.loreelmft

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Mother’s Day Weekend 20% off site-wide sale.

 

Dec 212013
 

love_letter_writtingLooking through my old emails, I came upon love letters sent between me and a long distance lover years ago.  This lover was the man who spurred the catalyst that has become my life now and the man who helped me say good-bye to a life lived in black and white and fully express my sexuality in living color.  I remembered, we sent baleful yearnings, salacious, lustful requests and descriptions of what effect our frantic attraction would cause in our everyday lives.  Back and forth we’d write, trying to satisfy the penetrating ache and unyielding  incompleteness we both felt by not being able to satisfy  (or even see) the other. Though it’s quite clear that our keyed-up lust bred bad writing, I can attest, the feelings and yearning were quite serious and real. These letters are bursting with the impatience, passion and heady, overwrought longing of two people experiencing passion for the first time … at 40.

 (TRIGGER WARNING)

10/19/09

Dear E:

Our conversation ended so abruptly, it was as if I had just awoke from a pleasant dream to the harsh reality of another day.  During the last few minutes of our time together, I was merely just sitting there enjoying listening to your voice and our banter.  It’s as if we were two boxers sparring in a ring except our gloved hands were replaced by quips and words that landed with love, passion, and torment.

I was left psychologically spirited and sexually charged – not to the point of no return, but I felt that if I could muster an orgasm in your honor, I might be able to sleep soundly with you in my dreams.  I began by reviewing transcripts of previous IM sessions, but was quickly caught up in the task of trying to read for other meanings and inflection.  Pausing to cease that effort, I tried to get more into the sexuality of it, but was left semi-erect and no clear path to success.

I realized the burr in my saddle may have been my contemplation of your request for a picture of my hands.  I Googled “hands” for some time trying to find a likeness yet without my scars, veins and weathered skin.  Finally, my conscience got the better of me. “She gave me a pass to not partake in this folly.  Why throw something out there that is not you?”

Finally, I took a photo of my hand.  Using the chairside table and lamp, I aligned and lighted so it would be just so.  First I considered the palm side but demurred with the crazy thought that somehow you could determine more from me by reading my palm.  It would have included the all too evident calluses from the day’s labor restoring the house.  Then to the back, I rolled my E.T.-like digits under, thereby not only covering my rugose fingertips, but also hiding signs of my oral fixation … nails bitten down to the quick.

Satisfied with the results, I sent it to you without further contemplation. I knew once it was sent, I could not take it back and only have greater regret depending on your feedback (a side note, your feedback was gracious and worthy of my consternation).

It was now approaching midnight and my body yearned for release.  I spent some time catching up on my reader, madly scanning for a 

picture or something to provide the needed spark.  At this point, I actually adjusted my laptop from my lap to the footrest in front of me.  In this position, without any underwear, I was free to grasp, grope and cajole arousal from my member.  At one point, the arousal built to a high enough level, I felt it necessary to push my pants down to my ankles, thereby allowing for unfettered access.  My tip exuded a small amount of pre-cum yet not enough to satisfactorily lube.  It’s as if my body was yelling, “This isn’t what we’ve been getting! Who are you trying to fool?”  I contemplated reaching for a bottle of lube to assist, but that seemed like almost too much work to complete.

In a hasty last attempt, I began searching for stories.  Stories describing acts that we’ve yet to achieve with words as inspiring as those that we’ve streamed.  There was enough inspiration to continue, but not enough to fully satisfy my needs.  Finally, just before midnight I gave up.

Throughout the evening, I’d incessantly, almost compulsively switched to Twitter, AIM and Gtalk, hoping your RL (sic: real life) would allow for respite and you would be online.  I envisioned myself as an intruder, hiding in the shadows waiting for you to return to your room.  I knew if you did, I’d spring upon you like a cougar on a quail. Unsuspecting you’d be mindless as I assaulted your senses.  You’d be powerless as I grabbed you with strong hands and pushed you over the back of the chair.  You’d be paralyzed as I’d yank the nightgown from your startled body, and there before me, your alabaster skin would provide a feast for my weary eyes.

secretaryMy shoes would kick your legs wider, matching the feet of the chair.  Only your thong would seemingly provide protection from my lecherous eyes. Your answer wouldn’t matter, for your fate had been prejudged.  Shortly after your retort, my right hand would smack flatly against your ass.  Your head would involuntarily jerk up only to realize my left hand in your hair still held you in a contorted posture.  “Do you know how much I longed for you to return?”lecherous eyes.  You’d feel my body slide by, fearful of my next action.  Then suddenly I’d grab your auburn locks and pull your head back, as if correcting a spirited filly.  A slight gasp would come from your mouth, not expecting the onslaught.  “Why did you keep me waiting so long?” I’d sneeringly whisper in your ear.

Perhaps realizing no words were appropriate, no sound would come from your lips.  My hand would gently descend and stroke at the reddening image of my palm.  Barely touching your cheek, it’d gently trace the contrasting lines of broken blood vessels and unfettered skin.  Only, when you’d emit that sigh, that peaceful accepting sigh, my rage would rise again.

“Are you enjoying this my Elle?” I’d scowl. While my left hand would jerk your head again, my right would push down my pants.  There, the product of my hours of waiting would spring forth waiting to finish the attack.  You’d remain glancing, unknowing the certainty of your situation.

My right hand would return to your rear and trace the line of your thong from back to front.  There it would find purchase and frantically push it aside.  Grabbing your hip, my erection would suddenly arise from between your legs shocking your senses and causing your head to flinch against the bonds of your hair yet again.  “I know you’ll enjoy this,” I’d promise.

Suddenly, with nary a warning I’d push my throbbing member deep inside you.  The wetness of your loins contradicts the plea of your surprise, as I’d slam my entire length deep inside.  And at my hilt, I’d pause.  My hips would roll and my right hand would push back against your mons, hoping to feel myself buried deep inside.  I’d adjust some more and probe some more, again hoping to feel the outline of my member buried deep within.

While remaining deep inside, my hand would slide down across your clit.  Gently reminding you of a presence outside your cunt.  Then two fingers would trace the slippery, swollen lips distended by my insertion.  Gathering juice as if a bee gathering pollen.  That same hand, those same fingers would then find your mouth and forcibly enter urging to be cleaned.

And upon the sound of a whimper, I’d awaken again realizing my need to gain control of your mind and body yet again.  My right and left hands would join together on your shoulder blades pushing you further over the spine of our makeshift saddle.  I’d push strongly against the center of your back while my hardened cock would remain deeply buried. Only satisfied when the sweat began to roll up your back, would my devastating attack begin.

And in an animalistic fever, my passion would erupt.  My guttural sounds accompanied by your moans and the sounds of our sexes sliding together.  The moisture from our efforts would drip from our bodies while the juices of our groins would wick up your thong.  At times my force would so overcome our pose that the chair would slide forward causing us to adjust yet again.

Our passion was building, our bodies afire.  I would sense that we’d be approaching the peak before orgasm momentarily.  And yet I’d wanted to render one final punitory act.  My hips would slide back – my dick just outside your dripping slit.  I’d pause just long enough to make you hesitate, make you yearn, and make you turn your head in search of fulfillment.  Only there you’d see a blur.

You’d momentarily realize it was the indistinguishable sight of my left hand racing to find your left ass cheek again.  And with a loud smack you’d cry.  Then, from pleasure to pain in a mere fraction of a second, your mind would become overwhelmed with the contrast and try to comprehend the significance.  “You must always remain available,” I’d deeply scowl.

And then, before you could adjust, searing fire now smoldering in each cheek, I’d pile into you again, momentarily slamming the air from your body as your heaving chest crashed into the chair.  My hands would be pawing at your hips attempting to maintain the tempo.  Our bodies would take over, the passion overwhelming.

And out of the corner of my eye, I’d notice the clock.  12:23am.

There, in the haze of a sex depraved fantasy, you’d slipped into the realm of AIM.  In a flash of a moment, you’d come and you’d gone.  Not even a whisper.  Not even a pause. Never even realizing who waited in the shadows.

Yours,

MG

 

Dear M,

I’ve just read your story for the third time tonight and am still left breathless and stimulated beyond any hope of sensible relief.  The fact that a very similar fantasy has played through my mind a 1000 times before without having the courage to speak it aloud was enticing enough … but to read on .. oh my …

The first time I read your story in full was in the restroom of an event at a posh hotel this evening at approximately 8:00pm. These restrooms had  individual shuttered stalls that were more like individual closets in a East Hampton estate than a hotel lavatory.  I snuck in to read my piece from my lover and it did not disappoint. When I noticed the fresh wet feeling between my thighs, I knew I was sunk.  I had already decided to take off my skirt, hang it on the hook and place my phone in my left hand … my right began to massage the inner folds of my slit. Already steaming and drenched, my pussy was ready as it had been all day … to get fucked again … to cum again to your delicious description of how you would have your way with me.

When you described your shoes kicking my feet wider apart, I felt heady as I began to stroke my pussy even faster and deeper, grazing my clit every now and again to let it know that I would be back to sate her. Your hand slapping my ass, other hand grasping my hair as I sighed to release the feeling of the deep relief your presence promised me. Scowling “Are you enjoying this, Elle?” had me panting even harder in that tiny space imagining your hot, moist breath behind my ear as you whispered it while working over my cunt in a furious fever for satisfaction. I could feel my face contorting,  getting hot … I could hear my inner voice struggling and begging for me to make myself cum now.  But the story wasn’t over and I knew that you would want it saved until the last possible moment.

The moment you slammed your cock into into me, resting it in my deepest crevice, feeling for an outline of your member, I could barely stand it.  Imagining, your steaming body against mine – feeling your skin connect with my back and knowing you were inside me was more than I could take. I shook and could feel the flutter of my orgasm coming with my fingers nowhere near my clit.  I literally had to bang my head against the stall wall (not too hard, but enough to smart) to snap me out of it and put me on track for the rest of the story.

But then you shoved your fingers bathed in my cum into my mouth and it was nearly over. My arousal had begun again and at full force. Thankfully, what came next would be my relief and and my refuge.  Reading how you were fucking me hard and riding me like and animal,  I rubbed and rubbed – my clit getting more aroused and engorged …. faster and faster.  Both our bodies as one and rasping with moans from deep within. Feeling my body limp over the chair, your hands on my hips guiding your cock deeper within me and then out in just enough time for another ass slap to drive me over the edge. Faster, faster – harder! Rub harder!   I’m almost there, my back against the wall, my head tilted to the left, my right hand moving so fast it’s almost shaking my clit free from my pussy. I had to make myself cum. As you piled into me again slamming the air from my body, I came – hard,  just as I was imagining your hands keeping time with my hips thrusting your cock deep into my cunt.

There, in the luxury hotel bathroom stall the world paused for a moment to focus itself on me. Everything slowed … sound, sight all turned down one notch to the rhythm of my heart and throbbing pussy.  I closed my eyes and licked my lips to savor one last second before I had to return to my obligation. When I opened the stall, I knew I would have to join the real world again and leave you … my torturous, lovely, vigorous and sexy lover behind.

I await your return from the caverns of wherever you are, but hurry and come back to me …

xo LC

Nov 272013
 
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This panel was presented at the 2013 Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit in DC by emotional freedom coach Cathy Vartuli  from, 2013 EXXXOTICA BBW Female Performer of the Year, Kelly Shibari from iconic transgender filmmaker Buck Angel, sensuality guru Elle “Lady Cheeky” Chase from http://www.SmutForSmarties.com, and outspoken sex blogger N’Jaila Rhee from http://www.BlasianBytch.com.

Each person’s sexual self-expression is unique, and requires courage and self-knowledge to experience and embody. Sexuality is an area where the –isms can radically impact our expression and beliefs. Sizeism, racism, ageism, ableism, sexualism and genderism are just a few of the boxes society and conventional media try to put us in. By examining the approaches used to ‘normalize’ us, and understanding our own fears and limiting beliefs, we can regain our power and freedom.

(This copy was re-printed from TheIntimacyDojo.com  Thanks to Reid Mihalko for filming this panel)

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: We’re starting.

Cathy: Thank you all for coming.

N’jaila: Oy!

Cathy: Thank you. Welcome to Where Sex Meets Isms: From Shame to Self-Expression. We want to make sure everybody knows this is being video taped. If you don’t want to have your voice on the video tape, ask a neighbor to ask the question or …

Kelly: Except for Reid’s hand up in front of the lens.

Cathy: We also have a sign up sheet that’s going to be going around. Michelle is passing it around. We did a lot of … pulled together some data and statistics for the research for this, and if you want the PDF and also want to be signed up for our newsletters, you could go ahead and sign up. We’ll be glad to send that to you.

We’ll be going through how -isms effect sexuality and sexual self-expression, and we’ll be talking about sizeism, ageism, ableism, racism, sexualism, genderism and beautyism, but we don’t have time to go in depth into each of these different -isms. We’re going to each share our own expressions, our own experiences as we go through these, so it’s not going to be a comprehensive, like “This is what ageism is,” we assume that most of you have a pretty good idea about that. We want to talk about ways it effects us and our expression and also ways we can counteract it. In the interest of keeping things moving along, we have so much to cover, I will interrupt people if they start getting passionate about something and going on about it.

Kelly: I should have brought my crop.

Cathy: Oh, that would have been great.

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. I’m a PhD, engineer and I’m a certified Advanced Emotional Freedom Techniques coach who coaches internationally on trauma, shame, body image and sexuality. I’m really delighted to be here with such a fantastic panel.

I have here, Kelly Shibari is currently the only plus size Asian-American porn performer in the U.S. She has since taken her public persona to become a stereotype-crushing figurehead for chubby Asian girls everywhere. N’jaila Rhee is a BBW web model, journalist, pod cast host and sex blogger. She hosts After Dark, a body and sex-positive pod cast on TWiB FM, she’s the author of BlasianBytch.com which was nominated for the Black Weblog Award’s Best Sex and Relationship Blog in 2012. We have Elle Chase AKA The Lady Cheeky, is a sex writer, a sexuality educator, and a sensuality coach who speaks nationally on body image, sexuality, and redefining your sexual self after forty. Did you try to make that attempt …

 Elle: I did.

Cathy: She’s also the creator of two popular award-winning websites, LadyCheeky.com and SexSmutforSmarties.com and finally, last but not least, Buck Angel is a pioneer film maker, inspirational speaker and advocate. He coined the phrase, “it’s not what’s between your legs that defines you.” He’s proven a remarkable insight and a validation for men, women and those who identify as neither, both or other. Buck also plays golf and gets lots of ladies pregnant.

Buck: You had to put it in that … .

Cathy: We’re each going to take a minute or two to show why -isms are important to us. For me, this is really important because for fourteen years I didn’t date and I didn’t have a relationship because I was fat. I absolutely believed that if yo fuck you. I was really lonely those years and I don’t believe that anyone needs to be there. Because Reed actually kicked me out of the … out dating. I worked with him a bit and I was out dating two weeks later and I’ve had more dates in my schedule than I can fit. It’s all up here. My weight hasn’t changed, society hasn’t changed, what changed was up here, and I want everybody to have access to that. I’m so glad you’re all here sharing this, learning and talking about it and sharing it, because we start making a difference when we do that. Thank you.

Kelly: I was going to ask if you’re going to stand the whole time.

Cathy: No, I was just …

Kelly: My story about dealing with -isms is obviously about sizeism, it’s less about racism although I’ve dealt with some of that, but I was born and raised in Japan, so my history with racism is a little bit different. Growing up in Japan, my story has always been about size because, especially as an Asian girl, you’re taught that you’re supposed to be small, petite and quiet and … which is odd and hypocritical because Japan is strangely a very matriarchal society.

It took me having to move to the States and then eventually getting out from behind the camera because I used to be a production designer, art director to getting in front of the camera as a porn performer, to actually accept that my size was something that was positive. It’s interesting when people tell you about society and how they tell you that certain sizes aren’t acceptable for attraction, for success in business, all those kinds of things and I’ve broken every single one of those. Yeah, that’s my story.

N’jaila: Hi, everybody. I deal with a very colorful intersection of different -isms. Obviously I’m a woman of size, I’m a sex worker, a cam model and also I have to deal with racism, not just as a black woman, which I’m obviously … I look black, but I’m also a mixed race woman. I’m black and Asian, hence Blaisan Bitch. I had to deal with a lot of expectations of what that would be and what, like what Kelly was saying, what Asian is to sexuality and what being a black woman, people expect out of your sexuality. Those have been some of the -isms that I deal with.

Elle: Hi. My experience came late in life, when I was forty, I left a sexless marriage. Realized I had never, never enjoyed sex, I didn’t know what the deal was. I went out and I explored and as I explored I had to come into awareness of my body that … I live in Los Angeles. I’m not tan with a little turned-up nose and built like that.

I had to really get okay with myself, and by accepting myself and my size, I went out and dated. It was the most life-affirming part of my life, through sex and through looking for pleasure and really trying to integrate sensuality into every part of my life. I found my self-confidence that really does bleed into every area of who I am. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it, damn it.

Buck: Basically my story, it deals with gender and sexuality, being born a female and becoming a man and basically having to deal with not liking myself as a woman for most of my life, shut me off to so much of my life. Then, becoming a man and having to deal with being a man with a vagina was just a whole other -ism, really.

“You’re not a man, you can’t have sex, you have a vagina, you’re supposed to have a cock, you’re supposed to have …” all these kinds of things really affected my self esteem and my desire to have sex because I was completely disassociated with myself and my body for many years, because being told in society that I’m not a man and that I can’t do those things. That said, I finally told the world to fuck off and just reclaimed myself and my vagina.

Cathy: We’re just going to do a free forum if people want to answer. How do you see, we each shared specific incidents in your life, but how do -isms challenge and disempower people about sexual … around sexuality in general?

N’jaila: I guess I’ll go. I know for me, when I first started sex work, I was a dancer. I was working at this club, whenever they had a big girl night, because we’re only a special occasion. The other dancers refused to change in the same room as the big dancers. We couldn’t use their showers, we couldn’t use their makeup room, or anything like that. We had this little store room that they just stuck us in and that was our changing room, there was no privacy or anything. It was very disheartening because here I am, doing the same thing that these other women were doing, and it wasn’t the customers that were saying, “Oh, you have no value,” but it was people I thought would be my ally because we’re doing the same type of work.

I think also, being a performer, it’s always a battle to say, “I have value,” and not, “I have value despite being a bigger woman,” or despite the fact that I am black or despite that I have dark skin or a wide nose. It’s, “I have value because I’m a human being and I should be respected and that should reflect my sexuality.” I think when people are having that struggle, it affects how you value yourself because you’re constantly … it’s like you’re trying to box with God, because you’re trying to make society see your value.

Elle: I think also your body image and so much of your self-confidence, the baseline you get is when you’re growing up, whether you like it or not. For me, my parents never said anything complimentary about my physical body. My dad said I had a nice neck, and my mother said I had nice nail beds. When I’m dating …

Kelly: That should be on your resume.

Elle: It really should be. Nice nail beds.

Kelly: Which now you cover up with nail polish.

Elle: They’re nicely framed by my nail beds. Going on into high school, you’re like, “I have a nice neck and nice nail beds,” no. It’s like, “Wow, I really wish someone would have said, ‘You’re beautiful just the way you are, you’re smart, you’re this, you’re that,’” because you carry it with you and even though you have great days I’m sure and we are … we’re liberated in that way from that stigma ourselves. We still have our bad days, and it always comes back to that. Kelly: I think it’s interesting, especially when it comes to size, because bullying about size is one of these weird society … acceptable bullying because you get it not only from your parents, but even if your parents are telling you that you are beautiful regardless of your size, you as a child, you have a tendency to believe your peers more than your parents, because you think that your parents are always going to be there to protect you.

You have a tendency to go, “Okay, well my friends, at least, are going to be honest with me,” and when those people that you think are your peers and your same age group when you’re in junior high or high school, even younger, and they’re either teasing you or bullying you or downright just being outright mean to you when you were younger, then that eventually just feeds into all of your decision-making skills when you’re older.

That’s exactly what happened to me because I was bullied for the longest time for being the only fat kid in school in Japan. I was a size twelve and then I moved to … literally like moving from Japan to college in the states, and realizing “Wow, not only am I not the biggest girl in the room, most people are…”

Kelly: … about the same size as me and actually then going from having no dates to having a bunch of dates, right? You know how that’s like, it’s like, “Wow, gee, oh I’m pretty.” At the same time, you have all these years of bullying, of being told that when you’re fat, you’re not good enough or you’re unattractive, and then you start making all these decision and you start conducting yourself in a way like, “Okay, if I give it up for free, then I’ll be accepted.”

You have a large number of younger, chubby girls … I’m not really sure about guys because I’m not one … but having sex early because they think that that’s the only way that they can be accepted, and it took me getting older and realizing that it really doesn’t matter your size, it really matters more about the person you are, but it’s really difficult when you’re getting fed that from a very young age.Cathy: You’re not taught anything different. Buck, do you have anything to add?

Buck: Obviously, I had a fucked-up childhood. Being a masculine woman is something that a lot of people deal … in society, they do not like masculine women. I know why, obviously we’re challenging that notion of what it means to be a woman. Masculinity is supposed to be for the male side, so I have to deal a lot with that when I was a child and having to deal a lot with, “You’re very masculine, that’s not, you know, cool, why don’t you act more like a girl?”

I think that it’s really interesting that we have to deal with this masculine-feminine thing so much, that why can’t people just understand that everyone is just parts of those things, and that was really something that I had to deal with on such a level that really … for many years, I just couldn’t deal with myself being a masculine woman and didn’t know really what that meant, that I was transgender or transsexual. I think that the hurting and the bullying came from me, too, because I would fight all the time and I’d be so angry and pissed off at the world, because it wasn’t right, the way I was, it wasn’t the way that you’re supposed to be.

Cathy: I think the isms also create a lot of scarcity. We’re taught in our society if you’re overweight, you’re not sexual, which eliminates two-thirds of the population right there, and if you’re in a wheelchair or you’re disabled in some way, our society teaches that you’re not sexual and if you’re ugly, a lot of beautyism … I don’t consider myself a very attractive person and I grew up thinking that no one would want me, so I was excluded.

We keep excluding people and seeing and looking around and going, “Wow, there’s only three people that I know that are fuckable, so, oh my god, I’ve got to fight for them and I better put her down, and make her feel worse, and maybe if I put them down, I’ll feel a little better about myself. Maybe I’ll somehow inch up the ladder so one of those three people will see me and want to be with me at least once, so I get some self-esteem.” I think when we start …

Kelly: Then you find that they’re no fun.

Cathy: Then their personality comes out. When we lean on the isms, we create our own scarcity and our society is doing that and the media is portraying this because they want to sell us things that makes us thin or paler or look more attractive and it works for them because we’re all scrambling up a ladder that we don’t even want to be at the top of. We do see a lot of that in porn, especially in the early periods of porn … because porn is … as Nina and I both say very adamantly, porn is fantasy, not sex education, but when all you’re seeing when you’re …

Kelly: It’s an interesting study because you see different kinds of porn being viewed by different age groups, and when you’re an 18 to 24 age group, you tend to have … you tend to watch the kind of porn that society tells you you should be watching, so everybody is blond and slender and augmented and are these super sexualized versions of what American society considers beautiful, and as you see people get older and start to be less controlled by what their peer group tells is beautiful, you start seeing a small gravitational pull towards more amateur stuff, more niche products, and stuff as people start to explore and go, “You know, I’m really tired of just seeing the same kind of thing done by the same kind of people doing sex acts that I would never do at home.” Like who the hell does piledriver at home? I’m not going to do double anal at home, why would I watch that?

You see this move as people get older into amateur porn, which is people of size, more natural bodies, more natural sex acts, that kind of thing, and just speaking from a personal experience, most of my fan base tends to be couples where one or both people are of size because … and are older, they’re usually tend to be over 30 because they have a tendency to, “Oh, you’re the approved porn at home because you’re built like her, you’re built like my wife, you’re built like my girlfriend,” and so by watching the porn, I’m not hiding in a basement watching porn anymore, now I’m watching it with my partner because now she doesn’t feel threatened or she doesn’t think that I’m watching a kind of porn that shows people that I’m actually not all that interested in, but that’s what I think I should be watching.

Elle: I think it’s interesting, they did a study a few years ago where they polled college students and majority of the college students said that they would rather marry a drug dealer or an embezzler than a fat person. These are college students who are watching this porn and who have grown up with that as sex education and finding that looking at porn and going, “Well that’s what I should have with my love relationship,” or “That’s what I should have as a intimate connection with another person,” and it makes me sad, because I was 40 before I knew that.

It’s actually as an adult, because of porn, that I found who I was sexually because I was able, as a person who’s an adult who knows about sex education, where babies come from, and safe sex, I could look at it with discernment and find what I like, but had I looked at it when I was 10, which is when most kids start getting exposed to it, it would have completely changed my world view and that’s only because there was no Internet when I was 10. Yes I’m that old …

Kelly: I think we’re all that old.

Buck: I’m older than you [inaudible 00:06:45].

Elle: That’s why it’s so important I think, because I think that people are … as far as all isms go, they’re just afraid of sex. Anyone who is sexual is a threat and that means a black woman, a big black woman, a a [inaudible 00:07:03] girl, a man with a pussy, all of that is very, very scary to people.

Buck: I’m scary.

Elle: You’re scary.

Buck: I own that, I’m totally scary.

Kelly: It’s amazing how happy fat girls scare people.

Elle: Totally!

Kelly: Happy fat girls who are completely okay being naked, they’re like, “What?”

Njaila: I find it makes people angry.

Cathy: Yes, that too.

Njaila: It … because …

Buck: Yes, it makes them angry.

Njaila: … when I was in college, I was a person who was always really okay with their sexuality, like I used to cut class and read sexual textbooks when I was 11, so I knew where my clitoris was right off the bat. My relationship with my body was very like … it’s for me to have fun with. When I would go into spaces with straight sized people and just be myself, I found that they felt like, “Oh why are you making a big scene, why do you always have to be like that?” and I’m like, “Like what, I’m just at the beach running around, I thought that’s what we’re supposed to do.”

I think it’s because people get so many images of if you are fat, then it’s become moralized that it’s something bad, so you can’t enjoy life and be fat, it’s like an antithesis, it just doesn’t match. It’s … I feel like people think it’s the be all, end all of happiness.

I’ve talked to people who … I have a brother who’s trans and I thought “Okay, he’s going to be so much happier once he through this transition, he’s a very handsome man,” but now he’s not happy because he’s like, “Oh, I don’t have muscles, I don’t look like the guy on Men’s Magazine,” and now he wants to get buff so then he’ll be happy and it just feels like … chasing all these isms, it’s just something that steals happiness out of our lives and denies sexuality.

Cathy: Thank you. Why do you think that the isms persist? Why do humans keep excluding others and defining them as non-sexual or non-desirable?

Buck: Education, that’s basically it. People are brain washed and they’re programmed to think this way from day one, we’re all, like I said earlier, this is what a woman’s supposed to be, this is what a man’s supposed to be, this is what sexy is, this is what beautiful is, and we’re just totally programmed, I think, to think that way, and so people like us on the panel and hopefully like you are hope … showing people that that’s not true.

With our work, with my work, I can talk about my own work and really showing that yes, there are men with vaginas, it happens, it’s real, it has totally made people rethink gender, which is a really something pretty hard to get people to get … wrap their heads around. A man with a vagina is the scariest fucking thing, scarier than you girls. It’s the scariest thing that people have had, I think, to really wrap their head around. How is it possible that a man could have a vagina, that’s not … that doesn’t … that’s not what makes a man and that’s not what makes … a woman has a vagina and a man has a cock, it’s just the way it is.I think, education is really one of the main factors in really deprogramming the way people are taught to think about what’s pretty, what’s sexy, what’s this, what’s that, and I think that that’s the first and probably one of the biggest things that I think is one of the most important things in the world that we need to do.

Elle: Yeah, and modeling it when you go out in the world. If I go out for drinks with friends I will always, if it’s appropriate, flirt with the waiter, because this big girl’s flirting with the waiter. You know what I mean? Even if I don’t feel great, it makes me centered into my sensuality because it is an innate part of yourself and that’s why being so connected to your sensuality is so important because you’re born with it and it is … doesn’t matter what you look like, doesn’t matter how big you are, doesn’t matter how many limbs you are, how old you are.

You have that and it is your right as a human being to express it and so when other people see that in you it then becomes okay to have them express it. I have lots of people … friends of mine will come up and say, “Oh I’m so glad I can talk about this with you,” and we’re talking about a clit.

Buck: The scary monster.

Elle: Yes, the scary monster. Everyone’s scared of the clit. Anyway, that’s my experience.

Kelly: I think media also plays a lot into it, and again, a lot of my background comes from comparing media in Japan and media here. When I grew up … when I was growing up, it was in the late 70′s, early 80′s, television in Japan actually had … anything after 11:00pm, because the kids would have been asleep, on national television was sex-positive programming, and sex … and things that made sex fun or nakedness fun, but I also come from a culture that sexualizes and humorizes embarrassment, whether you’re talking about Japanese fetish porn, all the way to the creation of tentacle porn and just things like … what’s the American version, I think it’s called Wipe Out, there’s a game show … that’s based on Japanese game shows.We humorize and sexualize embarrassment in a country where we’re so crowded, you have to learn how to laugh at yourself and to laugh at other people around you, because that mitigates the stress factor that’s already going to be there anyway, whereas American society … especially these days and ever since probably the past 10 years, we tend to celebrate and reward drama.

We have a tendency to reward and celebrate snarkyess and shows like Big Brother and shows like … even Survivor, when it first started out, was all about game theory, but now it’s more about, “What can I do to destroy the other person?” so the game has changed. You have shows like Honey Boo Boo, you’ve Honey … you’ve got shows like … that just … yeah. It’s a show based on Toddlers and Tiaras, this whole little kids pageant shows.

Elle: Pedophilia, you mean?

Buck: I wasn’t going to say it.

Kelly: No, but shows in general that … if you’re somebody on a reality show, but you are the drama person, then you get a spin off, you get rewarded with another show, you get rewarded with more money and fame and red carpet events, you get to go to the Oscars. Nobody … and then the shows that actually do celebrate goodwill and acceptance, things like Secret Millionaire, those tend not to. Those tend to just be like, “Oh, it’s just another show.” They don’t get celebrated, they don’t get all the interviews, and so in a society that celebrates and rewards bullying, it’s very hard to find acceptance.

Cathy: I think the media, too, is not only … it’s the drama, but also, there’s an estimated 300,000 negative images for people of size per year in the media. We’re constantly bombarded, we’re shown that fat people like … I watch … if you just watch an hour of TV and you write down the number of times a fat person is smelly, awkward, stupid, whatever, they very rarely show someone who’s slender and … all the people that are happy and successful are slender and fit, they’re not in a wheelchair, they’re not … very rarely are they someone of color.

Kelly: Usually the butt of jokes on sitcoms and things like that.

Cathy: And if it’s an older person who’s sexual, that’s a big joke, too. It’s constantly reinforced, I think, and they do it because it sells.

Kelly: A good example of that is Miss America. Last … I don’t know, last week … so the fact that she call … she had a thing that said “speak louder” … so Miss America last week … Miss America last week, before she, I think right after she won, she had said that the former Miss America was fat. She was so happy that she was replacing the old Miss America because the old Miss America was fat. There was a little bit of news, there was a little bit of drama, lasted maybe about six hours on media. The fact that the rest of America made fun of her because she was Indian-American, that went all week. Whereas the racist commentary is very public, the sizeist commentary is like “acceptable.” It’s “okay” that she called her fat.

Njaila: It’s sad, because she talks about having eating disorders.

Kelly: Right, so that on top of everything else. But again, you know shows like Real World. When people are younger and they’re watching shows that show all that kind of negative behavior, then all they’re going to do is they’re going to grow up and be that. Because everybody’s telling them it’s okay to be a bully. It’s okay to be an overly dramatic person who only concentrates on the negative.

Buck: Well remember those stickers that everyone used to have on their car, “No Fat Chicks”? You remember those stickers? Wow, like, that’s shocking.

Njaila: They still have them.

Buck: They still have them? Just that alone, it’s incredible that somebody would take a sticker and put that sticker on their car.

Speaker 1: Oh I’m glad they do. Because you know that person [inaudbile due to laughter 01:03]

Kelly: So you can stay away from them.

Speaker 2: You know which car to vandalize.

Buck: Which windows to smash out.

Elle: I think what this boils down to for me at least, is no matter what -ism you have … Because face it, it’s not just women of size. A friend of mine is a size eight and she thinks she’s huge. Not that there’s anything wrong with that–

Kelly: But that depends on what their peer group tells them.

Elle: Right, well usually what their peer group is telling them because people search for power within their system.

Cathy: But even models, they’re airbrushed. They don’t even look like that.

Elle: Right. But what happens is when you get into an intimate situation no matter what -ism you have, you are less able to connect with that partner. Because there’s a third person in the room, and that person is your fear of your -ism, whatever that is. I’ve gone to bed with people and been like please don’t touch my stomach. Because that is the part that everyone would make fun of. And then you’d find a difference when you go to bed with someone who does touch your stomach, and you’re okay with it, and it’s like wow I could have been enjoying that this whole time. Because some people, you know, there’s a pot for every cover, and there are some men who prefer a larger woman. There’s someone for everyone.

Speaker 3: There’s shame about that for them.

Elle: There’s absolutely shame about that, absolutely. And men as it is too, the whole chivalry in dating thing. There’s a whole ism with men.

Buck: Men have body issues too. I have body issues, clearly.

Elle: One million men in this country have eating disorders. And, you know dating for them isn’t easy. Because you know they want to open the door but then someone says to them “I’m a woman I can open my own door.” Ugh, where do manners get … I don’t understand. So it’s very, very, very confusing. It’s just up to us to make it clearer.

Kelly: Yeah size becomes an issue for men as well because there’s a weird kind of bullying that happens with fat boys where they’re told that they’re girls. They’re feminized. There was actually a big article about that a couple weeks ago. Because there’s a heavier mound at the pubic area, it makes your penis look smaller.

Buck: Like a Barbie bump.

Kelly: Yeah, they call it the Barbie bump. There’s photos of naked, large men saying “Oh, you know, he can’t see his penis, so he must not be a man.” That kind of stuff is perpetuated with younger kids and then obviously that gets translated when you’re older.

Elle: Or “you throw like a girl.”

Kelly: Yeah.

Elle: What’s wrong with that?

Kelly: Yeah I throw really well.

Cathy: You have a question?

Speaker 4: Yeah I do. I know that Buck has done some interviews overseas and in other countries. And I would like some perspective from the panel about how the -isms change from which country we go to. And how we can start to change it here using some of those lessons. I’ve gone to the Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference two years in a row now and the genderqueer kids are blowing my mind. They’re not even in the picture for this, it doesn’t exist for them. And when it does they push back hard. And that’s a generation behind us that’s really changing things radically.

Buck: But it’s changing things within that community. And the thing is, though, there are -isms within that community, don’t let them fool you. They are awesome and powerful but I will tell you that they also pull that -ism shit within their own community.

Speaker 4: So that’s what we need to talk about.

Buck: Yes. I think what they’re doing is incredible but at the same time they do not respect the other people’s opinions about certain things, such as, for example, myself and my vagina. I’m very proud of my vagina, but they will tell you that it’s not cool that I call myself a man with a vagina. And they will fight back at me. And I’m like why, it’s cool that you call yourself genderqueer. Or “reclaiming words,” right? Such as using the word queer. I’m old-school, I’m from a long time ago where queer was a dirty, nasty word. And it’s cool, I’m all about reclaiming words, don’t get me wrong. But there are some words that some people don’t necessarily think are “good enough” to reclaim, such as the word tranny. So there’s those kind of -isms even within that community, I just needed to throw that out there. It’s an awesome thing, but they’re in their own world. They need to educate the rest of the world as well, not their own world.

Kelly: It’s definitely an -ism I’ve seen within the trans community, because I’ve done marketing and PR … when I’m not performing, I also do PR and marketing … for the transgender film festival. But they want nothing to do with “trannies.”

Buck: Exactly.

Kelly: They want nothing to do with the “porn” version of transgender, which is–

Buck: Derogatory.

Kelly: Right, because in that community it seems to be. And I can’t speak for that community. It speaks less about horomone therapy and changing who you are, and it’s more about plastic surgery.

Buck: And it’s your choice.

Kelly: Exactly.

Buck: It’s like whatever big kind of woman you want to be … I’m sure that happens within the big people community, that same -ism thing. Like you’re not big enough, or you’re skinny now. -Isms happen within communities, I’m sure you realize that. And sometimes that’s even more hurtful.

Njaila: There’s a lot of ableism in the body-positive community.

Elle: You’re being attacked by friendly fire.

 Cathy: Go ahead.

Speaker 5: So I’m looking at some research currently about folks with disabilities who partner with people with disabilities, and kind of what you were talk about, as, for example, a fat person who’s sleeping with someone who’s not fat … however, when people of color sleep with people of color and people with disabilities sleep with people with disabilities and trans folks sleep partner up, etc. there’s the whole concept of isolationism and, you know, you only stay with your own kind. Can you speak to both sides of that story, of having someone that actually gets it be a partner, but then also having that idea that you can’t actually step outside those boundaries to have someone feel uncomfortable with.

Kelly: Yeah, there’s definitely an idea of you’re going to date fat guys because you’re a fat girl. So when a guy that actually works out at the gym, takes really good care of his health, in his own vision of what that means for him, then seeks out a larger woman as a partner, it seems to, like, “why?” People are like “But you take such good care of yourself, why would you be with a fat girl.”

Speaker 5: Well fat people can take good care of themselves too.

Kelly: Exactly, thank you. But it’s also personal preference. Guys and girls who do kind of go to the extreme when it comes to going to the gym and having a chiseled body then seek out a larger male or female partner, that’s their personal choice. But it seems like, again, the peer group goes “Oh, if you’re at the gym six days a week why aren’t you dating another gym rat?”

Cathy: I think that a lot of the -isms is about defining people based on a physical characteristic. And humans are much, much more complex than that. So for me when you ask that question about, you know, is it okay or how should people decide about that, it’s like as long as you’re making a choice and seeing people as people, rather than identifying them as they have a penis or they don’t, or their BMI is over a certain amount. When we start connecting with people as people, then the rest takes care of itself.

Kelly: It’s actually a really good question, because Buck owns Buck Angel Dating, which is a trans dating site.

Cathy: I tried to get my brother to join, but he’s too scared.

Kelly: Is the majority of the people using that site trans, or do you have any like–

 

Buck: Actually they are trans but what’s happening is a lot of gay men are going on that site, actually seeking trans men, which is really awesome.

Kelly: Cisgender gay men or transgender gay men?

Buck: Cisgender gay men, yes. Which is really amazing for me, because I always wanted to open that door for a lot of gay men who felt really weird about being attracted to trans men because again there’s that thing: “I’m a gay man. How is it possible that I can be attracted to a man with a vagina? Does that make me gay?” Like wow think about that question, that’s pretty intense. What makes you gay?

Speaker 6: I want to speak to the elephant in the room, sex and the elderly. Everyone ages, but that kind of ultra ageism.

Speaker 5: There’s a panel tomorrow afternoon.

 

Kelly: We’re coming to that, we actually spent all lunch talking about being old.

Speaker 6: It’s as if we’re invisible. I was in the elevator with you (Kelly) and you were focused on where you were going and I was gazing at you. I’m not trying to point you out by doing that, it’s just like so many people are like that.

Kelly: I tend to travel in a bubble, sorry.

Speaker 6: I usually see that people don’t even look in my direction. The only reason I say that is because it’s just like we’re invisible.

Elle: Can I speak to that actually, just as a woman? I don’t think it has anything to do with age. Really, I don’t think it does. I think what it has to do with is being a woman we are often accosted a lot and made to feel ogled at and sexualized when we don’t want to be. So we automatically put ourselves in a bubble.

Kelly: In my particular case I’m not poly, I’m in a committed relationship even though I’m a porn performer, for three and a half years, I have a tendency to be surprisingly introverted. And so I tend not to go to parties unless I’m invited, I tend to be a hermit because of that. You know that, I’ve told you.

Elle: Yeah.

Kelly: Like the only reason I go out is because you text me and go “you’re coming out.” So if you would have said hello I completely–

Speaker 6: I usually do, but you really seemed like you were–

Buck: But you really think it has to do with your age?

Speaker 6: Yeah.

Buck: Have you noticed a difference since you’ve gotten older that people have reacted to you differently?

Speaker 6: Yes, once I tell them that I’m 66–

Kelly: You don’t even look it.

Speaker 6: Their eyes go low, it’s like becoming invisible.

Elle: You need to read a little Joan Price.

Speaker 7: One of my [inaudible 11:52] partners was 90.

Kelly: Yeah, I’ve done porn scenes with 78-year-old men, so I’m, yeah, I don’t have age issues at all.

Njaila: I actually think there’s a lot of women who seek out older men. When I was in college I was 19, my boyfriend was 53.

Buck: Awesome.

Njaila: I think as a society we do have a lot of media messages that you have to be young and sexy all the time or else you’re worthless. I grew up watching “The Golden Girls,” so I just thought I’m going to be fucking until I die. But I think that the people who came before that, and after that, we’ve come into this society that is obsessed with that “key” 18-35 demographic and it makes everybody else invisible.

Kelly: It is extremely difficult when society tells you that men reach their sexual peak at 18 and women reach their sexual peak in their mid-thirties. Which is not true, at all. But it makes it very difficult for older men and women. What happens once you’ve passed that peak, are you like not allowed?

Buck: Well that’s why you need role models, such as Nina.

Kelly: Yeah, Nina does a great job.

Buck: Who’s been working in the sex industry for so long. (to Nina Hartley in the audience)You’re 54, that is incredible. And you’re an amazing role model. You’re sexy, hot, you can see that, you know, smart. Well who care about smart, but? (laughs) Can I see your tits? I’m just kidding.

Kelly: But there are older men who do have porn careers of their own, both here in the states and in Japan. Dave Cummings is a perfect example of an older guy who, I don’t know how old he is …

Speaker 7: Is he still working?

Kelly: I think he just recently retired.

Speaker 7: But 78 I think it was.

Kelly: Yeah, but 78.

Njaila: Also male performers “last” longer. When you’re in an established career, you have people like Tom Byron, I think he’s been doing it for like 19 years.

Buck: Yeah, but he still has to get a hard-on.

Cathy: You had a question here?

Speaker 8: Yeah, I do. Culturally, I know we put a lot of power in the -ism. And I think individually, just with that last question, a lot of personal power is given to -isms. So I’m wondering if we can talk about your personal practices and processes of empowerment and embodiment. We speak so much about what’s going on in the media and it’s this, and this, and this, but really I think, from my perspective, embodiment and truth, like that’s very personal.

Buck: Right on.

Cathy: That’s beautiful and that was really the next question.

Kelly: I fall into a very interesting response to that, because I do get a fair amount of online bullying. If I do an interview on a radio show or if I’m on Huffpo or whatever, there usually is a certain segment of the population that wants to Internet troll and go “oh, you’re fat” and try to shame me. And my answer has always been, yeah, but I make money doing that. And that’s what people are asking me to do, is perform as a plus-size performer. So, if I lose weight I’ll lose that, so F you (laughs). But unfortunately that only allows me to be a role model for people over a certain age, and my issue is I’d prefer to be a role model for people who have to deal with the bullying when I went through the bullying, which was when I was younger. Unfortunately, as a porn performer I’m not technically allowed to do that. So that’s my sadness, and so hopefully over time I’ll be able to segue into something where I am maybe allowed to speak to younger people. I think part of it is communication and, like you said, role modeling. But I don’t think that I’m past all my -isms. There’s a lot of days I–

Cathy: I feel really good about myself. I get in a swimsuit or I go to a tantra meet up and be naked in a hot tub and be really happy, then one morning I get up and I’m like, “Oh my God! I’m so fat and ugly. How can I leave the house?” It still comes back.

Kelly: I contemplated doing this panel naked.

Elle: There would be no complaints here.

 

Buck: That’s not okay.

Kelly: Again, there’s a camera … there’s consent to that.

Buck: For myself, I really learned how to be positive. My life is all about positivity. I do not let negativity come into my life. When people write me scary emails and they’re going to kill me, I’m the devil and the anti-Christ, it just really makes me realize how important what I’m doing is because I’m touching on something that people don’t necessarily want to think about. For me, that’s a positive thing. I don’t react. Reacting is the worst thing you can do and because I believe that. When you put out positivity, positivity comes back. It’s really simple. I know it’s all wing-nutty and zen, but trust me, it works! That’s how I live my life. Once I got to that level of really understanding that people really are attracted to what I have to say and who I am because of my positivity. If was standing up here all angry, “No! I have a vagina, you have the …” people would just be like, “Hey!”

Speaker 1: Can you do that for us?

Buck: Yeah, what is that? That said, I only think I have many -isms … okay, I have a little bit of body issues. I have to go to the gym and build up my body, that’s my thing that I think that I have left over From, “This is what a man looks like and I need to be very masculine,” but I think other than that, I’m so okay with myself enough to where I would go to gyms all over the world and walk in the gym naked, the men’s gym. People don’t know what to do, which is so powerful. It’s incredibly powerful to have just my vagina out there in front of the world saying, “What?” It’s all about reclaiming yourself and it’s all about loving yourself. There will be -isms in the world forever. The bottom line, it comes back to yourself, sir, and your own -ism about your age. You’re an amazing-looking man. You seem like a cool person. It’s not about your age, dude, you have something going on there with yourself that you just need to be like, “Whatever? She wasn’t interested in you. Go to the next chick!”

Speaker 2: I have an idea that’s why you’re on the panel.

Elle: I think it’s also just coming off of that, Buck, is in that positivity, which is I think is really important for people who are really weighed down with something, anything, but it’s also looking for opportunities, because when you react to something emotionally, the emotion is real, but what sparked it is probably not real.

For me, I was dating someone and we wanted to fuck outdoors, so we went to a swingers’ spa in Southern California and I didn’t even think about it. I went to the door with him and I was all excited and I went, “Oh, wait! I’m 200 pounds, and I’m going to have to be naked.” I don’t know why it didn’t … because I was with someone who just didn’t see my body only. I went in there and I was shaking, upset and so scared, and I just went, “You know what? When am I going to enjoy my life?” I just took off my clothes and the moment I did that and I was like, “Here’s my stomach! My stomach is going like this,” and no one cared. I guarantee you.

Everyone’s worried about their own shit. No one cared! It was one the most freeing thing to have sex with my lover in front of people who are … with six packs, who normally I would have been just intimidated in front of, and didn’t feel like I was worthy enough to do that.

Kelly: That’s the cool thing about nudist communities because … nudist communities, not swinger communities, but nudist communities tend to have a larger percentage of people with normal bodies or natural bodies. It’s funny because I have a lot of friends in Tampa that has a very large nudist community down in that part of Florida, as well as the swinger community.

When the swinger community tries to go and events of the nudist community, it’s weird because they’re not comfortable because they’re used to exhibitionists, but it’s a different kind of exhibitionism, and then they go to a nudist colony and they’re like, “Everybody’s over 40.” Everybody’s got 30-40 pounds on them, but they’re just super comfortable walking around naked, whereas the swingers seem to be like, “Hmm …”

Speaker 1: Even if they can fake it till you make it so inside you’re going, “Oh my God!” but if I looked at you, I’m saying, “Damn! She’s okay with her fine self! Hi! What’s your name?” I learned how to be a stripper. I realized they can’t read your mind.

Buck: Right!

Speaker 1: As you smile and go up there and act confident people could go, “She’s confident!”

Elle: Also, if you’re not feeling confident, you can’t really fake it because you know it up here.

Speaker 1: With posture and smile and people can’t read it.

Elle: You can do all of that, but I think when you look in the mirror, there will be “cougars” around who will say, “Say you’re beautiful!” “I’m beautiful!” I just want to smack them. I don’t feel beautiful, don’t tell me what to feel. I’ll tell you what I will do. What I will tell people to do is look in the mirror and if you can’t say anything good to say, say something neutral. My mother said I’ve got nice nail beds. I think that today. Anything that’s neutral because you will make yourself laugh and it’s true.

Kelly: Now you’re a dirty girl.

Elle: You can’t see that because [crosstalk 00:05:56].

Buck: You can’t help the porn people, it just has to come out.

Kelly: This is the thing with public performers, we have to put on such a positive face all the time and so many of us actually do have insecurities. Sure, 80% of the time, I’m going to be like, “Yay, fat girls,” but 20% of the time when there’s like the hiccup that happens, when something goes awry, like with work or whatever, then all of those insecurities come tumbling down the hill. It’s just very important to know that if you do have a day or a few hours where you’re feeling down about yourself, you wanted to do nothing but cut yourself down, just walk away and not let other people feed into that.

Cathy: It’s really great to have a support group. I have friends that I can call and say, “I’m having a small day. Can you remind me of a couple things that are good about me?” There’s a lot of different things you can build into your system so that, “Okay, I’m having a bad day.” One thing I love is also to look in the mirror … and we talked about this before, just find one part of my body I like, like the back of my hand, the skin is smooth, and be present with that. I had to grow it from just the back of my hand and then gradually, “My eyes don’t really suck!” It was a process over a couple of years to start loving my body more, but we can have a lot of those systems in place.

Njaila: I also learned to deal with things, a lot of times people say, “It’s in your head, how people are thinking about you,” but sometimes you will have to deal with people that are thinking about you. I remember there was an after party at a New York swinger community and my friend really wanted me to go, and I’m very embarrassed to say they don’t let bigger people into this particular club’s events. I’m not allowed to go and it was hard for me to A) have to say that out loud because it’s something that’s embarrassing. Because you’re basically saying, “These group of people don’t think I’m good enough,” and then it was also embarrassing for my friend, who only wanted to go if somebody else would go with her, so now I felt like, “I’m a kill joy because I’m a fat girl.” What I do in those types of situation, I try to remind myself that there’s still work to do in the world to make it better. While it would be perfect in an ideal world that I could go to the swing party, chill and do whatever, not yet. I always look at myself and I always remind myself that I am a sexual subject, not a sexual object, and I have agency and power. While that one club could say, “We don’t think you’re good enough,” I also don’t think that a club that’s exclusionary is good enough for me.

Kelly: I’m very against self-segregation, especially with the plus-sized communities. There’s a tendency to have plus-size clubs, plus-size this and plus-size that. I have a tendency to go, “I want to do anything but that.” I’d much rather go where there are people who also have shapes and sizes and colors, but at the same time when there is a group that says, “No, you’re not invited,” that just gives me creative license to just go make my own because there’s always going to be other people who will like me.

Speaker 3: That was actually a great lead into this question I wanted to ask. Two of you spoke about education and modeling being needed for change, absolutely, but then there’s also on the other side of that, should folks that are fraught with -isms or in marginalized communities, be responsible for having to educate folks and I don’t think they should be.

What can allies do, whether it’s white allies or straight allies or [inaudible 00:09:36] allies or skinny allies or whatever you want to call, what does that look like around sexual … I think we can talk about overall racism and overall sizes. What does that look like as far as sexual freedom?

Njaila: I think it’s very similar overall, like being an ally is listening. I am very annoyed with the tumblr generation, cliqueivism! Everybody is a social justice warrior, but nobody’s actually doing anything. I feel like you could parrot the same talking points that make you an ally, but if you’re not actually listening to the people in the community and if you’re not reacting to what we have to say … It annoys me when I’ll be talking to somebody and I’ll talk about colorism and they’ll stop me and go, “You’re not that dark!” or “You’re not black.” No, this is something I’m dealing with, especially because mixed raised women aren’t supposed to actually look black. I was supposed to be a geisha dipped in tea. I am black-looking. That is something I’ve been dealing with.

If somebody wants to be my ally, I want them to listen to me. I don’t want them to say, “I know your issues, so let me tell you a thing about your life,” that doesn’t work. Also, I feel you could pick your battles. I started a new job, which is very weird for me, because it’s a very vanilla job and they’re greeting me, they’re all talking and they’re talking about my resume like, “She speaks Korean, that is so weird.” It was her fault because I guess they just didn’t put two and two together, it’s like, “Yes, I speak Korean. Half the people in my family are Korean.”

While I think maybe a younger me would have made a scene and be like, “Why the hell shouldn’t I?” I assumed that this person probably wasn’t thinking of it and I’m just going to let it go, not light up this board room. I think it’s knowing your battles. When you do have your … you’re going to make your stand, be able to articulate your point, not a dagger, where you’re accusing somebody, where it was like, “You were a bad person because you said XY and Z and you must now believe this because that’s what you said,” but explain to them, “When you say, it’s strange that I speak Korean, it makes me feel bad as a mixed-race woman, because I feel marginalized,” you should talk about how you feel.

Kelly: Yeah. If you respond to shame with more shame, or anger with more anger, everything just spirals downhill. If somebody comes at you and … anger is so weird in activism, to me, because I see a lot of that with people who are very “Rah-rah, sticks and fire, we’re going to go burn down …” it’s like … .

Cathy: That doesn’t shift anything.

Kelly: That doesn’t help acceptance at all.

Njaila: There’s the Exotica thing where … people were … I guess you should tell what happened, or let me tell what happened. Basically, Exotica has these awards and for different performers. For the BBW performer, it was called, “Hungry Hungry Hottie.”

Kelly: I thought it was totally fine.

Buck: It’s totally fine!

Kelly: It was funny because I’m hungry, I’m a hottie. I could be hungry for penises. I’m just like, you could spin everything in a positive way, but the BBW community really was like, “Hungry, hungry hippo.”

Buck: That’s probably Courtney Trouble.

Kelly: Why?

Buck: Because she likes to do that.

Kelly: It was a bunch of other people, too. When I luckily won, they changed the award to Whole Lot of Love which I was like, “That’s not hot at all. That just makes me want to cuddle and not hot.” Cuddling is fine, but it’s not the same thing. When I went up on stage, I was like, “I really would like to accept the Hungry Hungry Hottie Award.”

Buck: What?

Njaila: There’s a different way, like I said, I didn’t particularly like the Hungry Hungry Hottie because … there’s a bunch of categories in that, that I was like, “Eh,” they had a Hottest Not White Chick.

Kelly: Exotica’s a real tongue-in-cheek, no pun intended, fan-based convention.

Buck: For porn!

Kelly: It’s not about education. It’s a porn fan event and so they had Best Non-White Chick that it was the ethnic award. They had … Who’s your Mommy was the MILF award. TS I love You was the trans award. If you look at the bigger picture, you realized that they were just being tongue-in-cheek with everybody.

Buck: I have a movie called Bucks Beaver!

Cathy: In that case, it might be really good to ask people how they wanted to be supported or if they actually need support around something?

Njaila: If you disagree, you could disagree civilly, like we were talking on Twitter, why you weren’t bothered by it and I was like … I was actually more mad at the Hot Not White Chick one, but that’s just how I feel, like they could have maybe done it in different way that would make the performers want to be part of it, because it wasn’t just that people was like, “I don’t like the name.” Performers were like, “Don’t nominate me for this. I don’t want to participate.”

Kelly: BBW’s were like, “I’m boycotting this,” and I’m was like …

Buck: They’re only hurting the community.

Kelly: Right, you’re spending so many years asking for the mainstream porn community to accept you guys and have a BBW award because we haven’t had a plus-size award category ever, except for Urban X, which is the ethnic award show. I was just like, “Why don’t you celebrate the fact that we even have one?” You and I were able to go, “Okay, we have differences,” and that was that.

Buck: Back to your question about allies, “What can they do?” is they can choose their battles, and understand that we are putting ourselves out there. I’m not saying that everyone needs to go and educate. I am choosing to educate, and I know I’m choosing to take negativity on when I do that, trust me, I’m not, not aware of that, I’m completely aware of that. But, if I’m going to have allies and they want me to work for them, which is what I’m totally doing, and I have no issue about it, and I don’t care that I have 50 allies or 500,000 allies, it doesn’t matter, I’m still going to choose to do this work, but to me, the allies who say they’re your allies, but then they turn around and post that kind of stuff where they takes things out of context that you said and say this and that, that hurts the cause, and so we have to understand our cause is to change the way people think on all of these different levels

Kelly: Negativity and anger, nobody wants to be around that.

Buck: Especially within our own communities. That’s something that I’m going back to again because to me that something I take really, in a sense, personally, because it’s happened to me so much more than any other, is my own community has eaten me up and spit me out until I got to a level that I am sort of now, and now it’s like oh, wow, but before they would rip me a new asshole every chance they got, which is really strange to me, because my ultimate goal was to change it for everybody, it wasn’t to just be about me and that, It was to change it about everybody so as you can seeI’m very passionate about that ally thing because that’s a very great question and it’s also something that’s very touchy and weird.

Kelly: I think people have a tendency to want to watch drama, but they don’t actually want to be around it, and so if you’re going to be a good ally I would not offer to pick up the pitchfork and the glowing stick, and I would be like okay well what can we do to make something positive?

Buck: Yes, be positive.

Elle: You said something to me when we were doing our Skype where I said, we were talking about this panel and I said “well, I can’t really speak to the trans issue because I’m not trans, but I can speak to A, B and C”, and you immediately jumped in and said, “but you can be an ally, you absolutely can speak about that”, and it completely changed my way of thinking. because this is the great thing about diversity. Anybody can choose what they want to be an ally to. I’m involved in the Milk Foundation in Los Angeles. I don’t identify as gay, but I really believe in it. So, there will always be someone somewhere who’s going to advocate, and that’s the beauty of good will.

Buck: Thank you.

Elle: This is the great thing about diversity, is that anyone can choose what they want to be an ally to. I’m involved in the Milk Foundation in Los Angeles. I don’t identify as gay, but I really believe in it, so there will always be someone somewhere who’s going to advocate and that’s the beauty of good will.

Buck: Totally.

Kelly: It’s also good to see, if you’re good at something, and you can use it to help promote a cause, like say for instance, because I do, PR and marketing, I’m able to like help with free advertising and press releases and stuff for trans events, trans film festivals, that kind of stuff, because that’s something that I feel strongly about. I’m not trans, there’s certain things that I can’t feel like I can do as an ally, but I know that I can use the things that I am good at, and use it to the benefit.

Njaila: I guess also you should make sure the person that your to be an ally to is even an activist …

Kelly: They may not want that.

Njaila: My sibling is trans and he will not have any rainbow flags.

Kelly: We can’t take you dragging and kicking and screaming, going we are going to be your advocate.

Njaila: Sometimes you have to listen to what people say.

Audience: I just want to say I think it’s totally legitimate though to be angry about, not just to accept like oh good they’re recognizing bigger women, finally, but to be angry about something you would consider racist especially if they’re giving you this title and it’s not something that you are choosing to call yourself, it seems like that that’s a legitimate response. Not to settle for oh good they’re accepting us finally.

Kelly: But I think that there’s also constructive ways of promoting the good that’s happening, and not promoting the stuff that’s bad. Yes they’re bring light to certain negative things that are happening in the world, but if you give positive reinforcement to things that are good then people want to do more of that.

Buck: You know change doesn’t happen overnight and sometimes you do have to take those little steps.

Kelly: Like here’s a good example. Just in the past year Exxxotica had their very first BBW award in a mixture of other awards. This year, Nightmoves, which is an adult awards show, just added a BBW category and as a result AVN in January is going to have their very first BBW award.

Buck: I know, awesome.

Njaila: It’s not called hungry, hungry, hump.

Kelly: It’s not called hungry, hungry, hottie, although it’d be okay if it was, for me.

Buck: Just to let you know, I won the transsexual performer of the year at AVN, a first transsexual man ever in the history of the porn industry, that’s changing things, it means they recognize the fact that transsexuals are men and women [inaudible 00:05:02] because I kept pushing at it, yes I am a tranie to. There are transsexual men, there are transsexual women, people didn’t even get it within the porn industry where you think there’s everything in the porn industry; there’s clown porn, [inaudible 00:05:18] I’m like, a man with a pussy? I’m sorry, but clown pron is way more over there, don’t even try it.

Kelly: Because some people are really scared of clowns.

Buck: I know.

Njaila: It’s so important that you put yourself out there to do it, because with my sibling, he was so discouraged when he was going through his transition, he was like, I really don’t know what I’m going to be when this over, and can I function as a regular person, and then he found out about you and he was like, yes, I’ll be okay, I guess.

Buck: Awesome. Way to go, that’s so cool.

Cathy: So we need to wrap it up. One thing I’d like to, like when you were asking about how people say something negative, it really helps me to remember how scared I used to be and that I was very negative about fat people even though I was fat, most people that are saying negative things are coming from a place of ignorance and fear so yelling at them or shaming at them or creating drama isn’t going to … people that are scared don’t learn better.

Kelly: Of course.

Cathy: So if we can calmly talk to them, and assume that they mean well, they just don’t know better, people actually shift a lot faster when we do that. I’d really like to thank everyone so much for being here, for this great panel.

Buck: Awesome.

Cathy: Thanks for making a difference in the world.

Buck: Awesome.

 

 

Nov 272013
 
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This panel was presented at the 2013 Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit in DC by emotional freedom coach Cathy Vartuli  from, 2013 EXXXOTICA BBW Female Performer of the Year, Kelly Shibari from iconic transgender filmmaker Buck Angel, sensuality guru Elle “Lady Cheeky” Chase from http://www.SmutForSmarties.com, and outspoken sex blogger N’Jaila Rhee from http://www.BlasianBytch.com.

Each person’s sexual self-expression is unique, and requires courage and self-knowledge to experience and embody. Sexuality is an area where the –isms can radically impact our expression and beliefs. Sizeism, racism, ageism, ableism, sexualism and genderism are just a few of the boxes society and conventional media try to put us in. By examining the approaches used to ‘normalize’ us, and understanding our own fears and limiting beliefs, we can regain our power and freedom.

(This copy was re-printed from TheIntimacyDojo.com  Thanks to Reid Mihalko for filming this panel)

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: We’re starting.

Cathy: Thank you all for coming.

N’jaila: Oy!

Cathy: Thank you. Welcome to Where Sex Meets Isms: From Shame to Self-Expression. We want to make sure everybody knows this is being video taped. If you don’t want to have your voice on the video tape, ask a neighbor to ask the question or …

Kelly: Except for Reid’s hand up in front of the lens.

Cathy: We also have a sign up sheet that’s going to be going around. Michelle is passing it around. We did a lot of … pulled together some data and statistics for the research for this, and if you want the PDF and also want to be signed up for our newsletters, you could go ahead and sign up. We’ll be glad to send that to you.

We’ll be going through how -isms effect sexuality and sexual self-expression, and we’ll be talking about sizeism, ageism, ableism, racism, sexualism, genderism and beautyism, but we don’t have time to go in depth into each of these different -isms. We’re going to each share our own expressions, our own experiences as we go through these, so it’s not going to be a comprehensive, like “This is what ageism is,” we assume that most of you have a pretty good idea about that. We want to talk about ways it effects us and our expression and also ways we can counteract it. In the interest of keeping things moving along, we have so much to cover, I will interrupt people if they start getting passionate about something and going on about it.

Kelly: I should have brought my crop.

Cathy: Oh, that would have been great.

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. I’m a PhD, engineer and I’m a certified Advanced Emotional Freedom Techniques coach who coaches internationally on trauma, shame, body image and sexuality. I’m really delighted to be here with such a fantastic panel.

I have here, Kelly Shibari is currently the only plus size Asian-American porn performer in the U.S. She has since taken her public persona to become a stereotype-crushing figurehead for chubby Asian girls everywhere. N’jaila Rhee is a BBW web model, journalist, pod cast host and sex blogger. She hosts After Dark, a body and sex-positive pod cast on TWiB FM, she’s the author of BlasianBytch.com which was nominated for the Black Weblog Award’s Best Sex and Relationship Blog in 2012. We have Elle Chase AKA The Lady Cheeky, is a sex writer, a sexuality educator, and a sensuality coach who speaks nationally on body image, sexuality, and redefining your sexual self after forty. Did you try to make that attempt …

 Elle: I did.

Cathy: She’s also the creator of two popular award-winning websites, LadyCheeky.com and SexSmutforSmarties.com and finally, last but not least, Buck Angel is a pioneer film maker, inspirational speaker and advocate. He coined the phrase, “it’s not what’s between your legs that defines you.” He’s proven a remarkable insight and a validation for men, women and those who identify as neither, both or other. Buck also plays golf and gets lots of ladies pregnant.

Buck: You had to put it in that … .

Cathy: We’re each going to take a minute or two to show why -isms are important to us. For me, this is really important because for fourteen years I didn’t date and I didn’t have a relationship because I was fat. I absolutely believed that if yo fuck you. I was really lonely those years and I don’t believe that anyone needs to be there. Because Reed actually kicked me out of the … out dating. I worked with him a bit and I was out dating two weeks later and I’ve had more dates in my schedule than I can fit. It’s all up here. My weight hasn’t changed, society hasn’t changed, what changed was up here, and I want everybody to have access to that. I’m so glad you’re all here sharing this, learning and talking about it and sharing it, because we start making a difference when we do that. Thank you.

Kelly: I was going to ask if you’re going to stand the whole time.

Cathy: No, I was just …

Kelly: My story about dealing with -isms is obviously about sizeism, it’s less about racism although I’ve dealt with some of that, but I was born and raised in Japan, so my history with racism is a little bit different. Growing up in Japan, my story has always been about size because, especially as an Asian girl, you’re taught that you’re supposed to be small, petite and quiet and … which is odd and hypocritical because Japan is strangely a very matriarchal society.

It took me having to move to the States and then eventually getting out from behind the camera because I used to be a production designer, art director to getting in front of the camera as a porn performer, to actually accept that my size was something that was positive. It’s interesting when people tell you about society and how they tell you that certain sizes aren’t acceptable for attraction, for success in business, all those kinds of things and I’ve broken every single one of those. Yeah, that’s my story.

N’jaila: Hi, everybody. I deal with a very colorful intersection of different -isms. Obviously I’m a woman of size, I’m a sex worker, a cam model and also I have to deal with racism, not just as a black woman, which I’m obviously … I look black, but I’m also a mixed race woman. I’m black and Asian, hence Blaisan Bitch. I had to deal with a lot of expectations of what that would be and what, like what Kelly was saying, what Asian is to sexuality and what being a black woman, people expect out of your sexuality. Those have been some of the -isms that I deal with.

Elle: Hi. My experience came late in life, when I was forty, I left a sexless marriage. Realized I had never, never enjoyed sex, I didn’t know what the deal was. I went out and I explored and as I explored I had to come into awareness of my body that … I live in Los Angeles. I’m not tan with a little turned-up nose and built like that.

I had to really get okay with myself, and by accepting myself and my size, I went out and dated. It was the most life-affirming part of my life, through sex and through looking for pleasure and really trying to integrate sensuality into every part of my life. I found my self-confidence that really does bleed into every area of who I am. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it, damn it.

Buck: Basically my story, it deals with gender and sexuality, being born a female and becoming a man and basically having to deal with not liking myself as a woman for most of my life, shut me off to so much of my life. Then, becoming a man and having to deal with being a man with a vagina was just a whole other -ism, really.

“You’re not a man, you can’t have sex, you have a vagina, you’re supposed to have a cock, you’re supposed to have …” all these kinds of things really affected my self esteem and my desire to have sex because I was completely disassociated with myself and my body for many years, because being told in society that I’m not a man and that I can’t do those things. That said, I finally told the world to fuck off and just reclaimed myself and my vagina.

Cathy: We’re just going to do a free forum if people want to answer. How do you see, we each shared specific incidents in your life, but how do -isms challenge and disempower people about sexual … around sexuality in general?

N’jaila: I guess I’ll go. I know for me, when I first started sex work, I was a dancer. I was working at this club, whenever they had a big girl night, because we’re only a special occasion. The other dancers refused to change in the same room as the big dancers. We couldn’t use their showers, we couldn’t use their makeup room, or anything like that. We had this little store room that they just stuck us in and that was our changing room, there was no privacy or anything. It was very disheartening because here I am, doing the same thing that these other women were doing, and it wasn’t the customers that were saying, “Oh, you have no value,” but it was people I thought would be my ally because we’re doing the same type of work.

I think also, being a performer, it’s always a battle to say, “I have value,” and not, “I have value despite being a bigger woman,” or despite the fact that I am black or despite that I have dark skin or a wide nose. It’s, “I have value because I’m a human being and I should be respected and that should reflect my sexuality.” I think when people are having that struggle, it affects how you value yourself because you’re constantly … it’s like you’re trying to box with God, because you’re trying to make society see your value.

Elle: I think also your body image and so much of your self-confidence, the baseline you get is when you’re growing up, whether you like it or not. For me, my parents never said anything complimentary about my physical body. My dad said I had a nice neck, and my mother said I had nice nail beds. When I’m dating …

Kelly: That should be on your resume.

Elle: It really should be. Nice nail beds.

Kelly: Which now you cover up with nail polish.

Elle: They’re nicely framed by my nail beds. Going on into high school, you’re like, “I have a nice neck and nice nail beds,” no. It’s like, “Wow, I really wish someone would have said, ‘You’re beautiful just the way you are, you’re smart, you’re this, you’re that,’” because you carry it with you and even though you have great days I’m sure and we are … we’re liberated in that way from that stigma ourselves. We still have our bad days, and it always comes back to that. Kelly: I think it’s interesting, especially when it comes to size, because bullying about size is one of these weird society … acceptable bullying because you get it not only from your parents, but even if your parents are telling you that you are beautiful regardless of your size, you as a child, you have a tendency to believe your peers more than your parents, because you think that your parents are always going to be there to protect you.

You have a tendency to go, “Okay, well my friends, at least, are going to be honest with me,” and when those people that you think are your peers and your same age group when you’re in junior high or high school, even younger, and they’re either teasing you or bullying you or downright just being outright mean to you when you were younger, then that eventually just feeds into all of your decision-making skills when you’re older.

That’s exactly what happened to me because I was bullied for the longest time for being the only fat kid in school in Japan. I was a size twelve and then I moved to … literally like moving from Japan to college in the states, and realizing “Wow, not only am I not the biggest girl in the room, most people are…”

Kelly: … about the same size as me and actually then going from having no dates to having a bunch of dates, right? You know how that’s like, it’s like, “Wow, gee, oh I’m pretty.” At the same time, you have all these years of bullying, of being told that when you’re fat, you’re not good enough or you’re unattractive, and then you start making all these decision and you start conducting yourself in a way like, “Okay, if I give it up for free, then I’ll be accepted.”

You have a large number of younger, chubby girls … I’m not really sure about guys because I’m not one … but having sex early because they think that that’s the only way that they can be accepted, and it took me getting older and realizing that it really doesn’t matter your size, it really matters more about the person you are, but it’s really difficult when you’re getting fed that from a very young age.Cathy: You’re not taught anything different. Buck, do you have anything to add?

Buck: Obviously, I had a fucked-up childhood. Being a masculine woman is something that a lot of people deal … in society, they do not like masculine women. I know why, obviously we’re challenging that notion of what it means to be a woman. Masculinity is supposed to be for the male side, so I have to deal a lot with that when I was a child and having to deal a lot with, “You’re very masculine, that’s not, you know, cool, why don’t you act more like a girl?”

I think that it’s really interesting that we have to deal with this masculine-feminine thing so much, that why can’t people just understand that everyone is just parts of those things, and that was really something that I had to deal with on such a level that really … for many years, I just couldn’t deal with myself being a masculine woman and didn’t know really what that meant, that I was transgender or transsexual. I think that the hurting and the bullying came from me, too, because I would fight all the time and I’d be so angry and pissed off at the world, because it wasn’t right, the way I was, it wasn’t the way that you’re supposed to be.

Cathy: I think the isms also create a lot of scarcity. We’re taught in our society if you’re overweight, you’re not sexual, which eliminates two-thirds of the population right there, and if you’re in a wheelchair or you’re disabled in some way, our society teaches that you’re not sexual and if you’re ugly, a lot of beautyism … I don’t consider myself a very attractive person and I grew up thinking that no one would want me, so I was excluded.

We keep excluding people and seeing and looking around and going, “Wow, there’s only three people that I know that are fuckable, so, oh my god, I’ve got to fight for them and I better put her down, and make her feel worse, and maybe if I put them down, I’ll feel a little better about myself. Maybe I’ll somehow inch up the ladder so one of those three people will see me and want to be with me at least once, so I get some self-esteem.” I think when we start …

Kelly: Then you find that they’re no fun.

Cathy: Then their personality comes out. When we lean on the isms, we create our own scarcity and our society is doing that and the media is portraying this because they want to sell us things that makes us thin or paler or look more attractive and it works for them because we’re all scrambling up a ladder that we don’t even want to be at the top of. We do see a lot of that in porn, especially in the early periods of porn … because porn is … as Nina and I both say very adamantly, porn is fantasy, not sex education, but when all you’re seeing when you’re …

Kelly: It’s an interesting study because you see different kinds of porn being viewed by different age groups, and when you’re an 18 to 24 age group, you tend to have … you tend to watch the kind of porn that society tells you you should be watching, so everybody is blond and slender and augmented and are these super sexualized versions of what American society considers beautiful, and as you see people get older and start to be less controlled by what their peer group tells is beautiful, you start seeing a small gravitational pull towards more amateur stuff, more niche products, and stuff as people start to explore and go, “You know, I’m really tired of just seeing the same kind of thing done by the same kind of people doing sex acts that I would never do at home.” Like who the hell does piledriver at home? I’m not going to do double anal at home, why would I watch that?

You see this move as people get older into amateur porn, which is people of size, more natural bodies, more natural sex acts, that kind of thing, and just speaking from a personal experience, most of my fan base tends to be couples where one or both people are of size because … and are older, they’re usually tend to be over 30 because they have a tendency to, “Oh, you’re the approved porn at home because you’re built like her, you’re built like my wife, you’re built like my girlfriend,” and so by watching the porn, I’m not hiding in a basement watching porn anymore, now I’m watching it with my partner because now she doesn’t feel threatened or she doesn’t think that I’m watching a kind of porn that shows people that I’m actually not all that interested in, but that’s what I think I should be watching.

Elle: I think it’s interesting, they did a study a few years ago where they polled college students and majority of the college students said that they would rather marry a drug dealer or an embezzler than a fat person. These are college students who are watching this porn and who have grown up with that as sex education and finding that looking at porn and going, “Well that’s what I should have with my love relationship,” or “That’s what I should have as a intimate connection with another person,” and it makes me sad, because I was 40 before I knew that.

It’s actually as an adult, because of porn, that I found who I was sexually because I was able, as a person who’s an adult who knows about sex education, where babies come from, and safe sex, I could look at it with discernment and find what I like, but had I looked at it when I was 10, which is when most kids start getting exposed to it, it would have completely changed my world view and that’s only because there was no Internet when I was 10. Yes I’m that old …

Kelly: I think we’re all that old.

Buck: I’m older than you [inaudible 00:06:45].

Elle: That’s why it’s so important I think, because I think that people are … as far as all isms go, they’re just afraid of sex. Anyone who is sexual is a threat and that means a black woman, a big black woman, a a [inaudible 00:07:03] girl, a man with a pussy, all of that is very, very scary to people.

Buck: I’m scary.

Elle: You’re scary.

Buck: I own that, I’m totally scary.

Kelly: It’s amazing how happy fat girls scare people.

Elle: Totally!

Kelly: Happy fat girls who are completely okay being naked, they’re like, “What?”

Njaila: I find it makes people angry.

Cathy: Yes, that too.

Njaila: It … because …

Buck: Yes, it makes them angry.

Njaila: … when I was in college, I was a person who was always really okay with their sexuality, like I used to cut class and read sexual textbooks when I was 11, so I knew where my clitoris was right off the bat. My relationship with my body was very like … it’s for me to have fun with. When I would go into spaces with straight sized people and just be myself, I found that they felt like, “Oh why are you making a big scene, why do you always have to be like that?” and I’m like, “Like what, I’m just at the beach running around, I thought that’s what we’re supposed to do.”

I think it’s because people get so many images of if you are fat, then it’s become moralized that it’s something bad, so you can’t enjoy life and be fat, it’s like an antithesis, it just doesn’t match. It’s … I feel like people think it’s the be all, end all of happiness.

I’ve talked to people who … I have a brother who’s trans and I thought “Okay, he’s going to be so much happier once he through this transition, he’s a very handsome man,” but now he’s not happy because he’s like, “Oh, I don’t have muscles, I don’t look like the guy on Men’s Magazine,” and now he wants to get buff so then he’ll be happy and it just feels like … chasing all these isms, it’s just something that steals happiness out of our lives and denies sexuality.

Cathy: Thank you. Why do you think that the isms persist? Why do humans keep excluding others and defining them as non-sexual or non-desirable?

Buck: Education, that’s basically it. People are brain washed and they’re programmed to think this way from day one, we’re all, like I said earlier, this is what a woman’s supposed to be, this is what a man’s supposed to be, this is what sexy is, this is what beautiful is, and we’re just totally programmed, I think, to think that way, and so people like us on the panel and hopefully like you are hope … showing people that that’s not true.

With our work, with my work, I can talk about my own work and really showing that yes, there are men with vaginas, it happens, it’s real, it has totally made people rethink gender, which is a really something pretty hard to get people to get … wrap their heads around. A man with a vagina is the scariest fucking thing, scarier than you girls. It’s the scariest thing that people have had, I think, to really wrap their head around. How is it possible that a man could have a vagina, that’s not … that doesn’t … that’s not what makes a man and that’s not what makes … a woman has a vagina and a man has a cock, it’s just the way it is.I think, education is really one of the main factors in really deprogramming the way people are taught to think about what’s pretty, what’s sexy, what’s this, what’s that, and I think that that’s the first and probably one of the biggest things that I think is one of the most important things in the world that we need to do.

Elle: Yeah, and modeling it when you go out in the world. If I go out for drinks with friends I will always, if it’s appropriate, flirt with the waiter, because this big girl’s flirting with the waiter. You know what I mean? Even if I don’t feel great, it makes me centered into my sensuality because it is an innate part of yourself and that’s why being so connected to your sensuality is so important because you’re born with it and it is … doesn’t matter what you look like, doesn’t matter how big you are, doesn’t matter how many limbs you are, how old you are.

You have that and it is your right as a human being to express it and so when other people see that in you it then becomes okay to have them express it. I have lots of people … friends of mine will come up and say, “Oh I’m so glad I can talk about this with you,” and we’re talking about a clit.

Buck: The scary monster.

Elle: Yes, the scary monster. Everyone’s scared of the clit. Anyway, that’s my experience.

Kelly: I think media also plays a lot into it, and again, a lot of my background comes from comparing media in Japan and media here. When I grew up … when I was growing up, it was in the late 70′s, early 80′s, television in Japan actually had … anything after 11:00pm, because the kids would have been asleep, on national television was sex-positive programming, and sex … and things that made sex fun or nakedness fun, but I also come from a culture that sexualizes and humorizes embarrassment, whether you’re talking about Japanese fetish porn, all the way to the creation of tentacle porn and just things like … what’s the American version, I think it’s called Wipe Out, there’s a game show … that’s based on Japanese game shows.We humorize and sexualize embarrassment in a country where we’re so crowded, you have to learn how to laugh at yourself and to laugh at other people around you, because that mitigates the stress factor that’s already going to be there anyway, whereas American society … especially these days and ever since probably the past 10 years, we tend to celebrate and reward drama.

We have a tendency to reward and celebrate snarkyess and shows like Big Brother and shows like … even Survivor, when it first started out, was all about game theory, but now it’s more about, “What can I do to destroy the other person?” so the game has changed. You have shows like Honey Boo Boo, you’ve Honey … you’ve got shows like … that just … yeah. It’s a show based on Toddlers and Tiaras, this whole little kids pageant shows.

Elle: Pedophilia, you mean?

Buck: I wasn’t going to say it.

Kelly: No, but shows in general that … if you’re somebody on a reality show, but you are the drama person, then you get a spin off, you get rewarded with another show, you get rewarded with more money and fame and red carpet events, you get to go to the Oscars. Nobody … and then the shows that actually do celebrate goodwill and acceptance, things like Secret Millionaire, those tend not to. Those tend to just be like, “Oh, it’s just another show.” They don’t get celebrated, they don’t get all the interviews, and so in a society that celebrates and rewards bullying, it’s very hard to find acceptance.

Cathy: I think the media, too, is not only … it’s the drama, but also, there’s an estimated 300,000 negative images for people of size per year in the media. We’re constantly bombarded, we’re shown that fat people like … I watch … if you just watch an hour of TV and you write down the number of times a fat person is smelly, awkward, stupid, whatever, they very rarely show someone who’s slender and … all the people that are happy and successful are slender and fit, they’re not in a wheelchair, they’re not … very rarely are they someone of color.

Kelly: Usually the butt of jokes on sitcoms and things like that.

Cathy: And if it’s an older person who’s sexual, that’s a big joke, too. It’s constantly reinforced, I think, and they do it because it sells.

Kelly: A good example of that is Miss America. Last … I don’t know, last week … so the fact that she call … she had a thing that said “speak louder” … so Miss America last week … Miss America last week, before she, I think right after she won, she had said that the former Miss America was fat. She was so happy that she was replacing the old Miss America because the old Miss America was fat. There was a little bit of news, there was a little bit of drama, lasted maybe about six hours on media. The fact that the rest of America made fun of her because she was Indian-American, that went all week. Whereas the racist commentary is very public, the sizeist commentary is like “acceptable.” It’s “okay” that she called her fat.

Njaila: It’s sad, because she talks about having eating disorders.

Kelly: Right, so that on top of everything else. But again, you know shows like Real World. When people are younger and they’re watching shows that show all that kind of negative behavior, then all they’re going to do is they’re going to grow up and be that. Because everybody’s telling them it’s okay to be a bully. It’s okay to be an overly dramatic person who only concentrates on the negative.

Buck: Well remember those stickers that everyone used to have on their car, “No Fat Chicks”? You remember those stickers? Wow, like, that’s shocking.

Njaila: They still have them.

Buck: They still have them? Just that alone, it’s incredible that somebody would take a sticker and put that sticker on their car.

Speaker 1: Oh I’m glad they do. Because you know that person [inaudbile due to laughter 01:03]

Kelly: So you can stay away from them.

Speaker 2: You know which car to vandalize.

Buck: Which windows to smash out.

Elle: I think what this boils down to for me at least, is no matter what -ism you have … Because face it, it’s not just women of size. A friend of mine is a size eight and she thinks she’s huge. Not that there’s anything wrong with that–

Kelly: But that depends on what their peer group tells them.

Elle: Right, well usually what their peer group is telling them because people search for power within their system.

Cathy: But even models, they’re airbrushed. They don’t even look like that.

Elle: Right. But what happens is when you get into an intimate situation no matter what -ism you have, you are less able to connect with that partner. Because there’s a third person in the room, and that person is your fear of your -ism, whatever that is. I’ve gone to bed with people and been like please don’t touch my stomach. Because that is the part that everyone would make fun of. And then you’d find a difference when you go to bed with someone who does touch your stomach, and you’re okay with it, and it’s like wow I could have been enjoying that this whole time. Because some people, you know, there’s a pot for every cover, and there are some men who prefer a larger woman. There’s someone for everyone.

Speaker 3: There’s shame about that for them.

Elle: There’s absolutely shame about that, absolutely. And men as it is too, the whole chivalry in dating thing. There’s a whole ism with men.

Buck: Men have body issues too. I have body issues, clearly.

Elle: One million men in this country have eating disorders. And, you know dating for them isn’t easy. Because you know they want to open the door but then someone says to them “I’m a woman I can open my own door.” Ugh, where do manners get … I don’t understand. So it’s very, very, very confusing. It’s just up to us to make it clearer.

Kelly: Yeah size becomes an issue for men as well because there’s a weird kind of bullying that happens with fat boys where they’re told that they’re girls. They’re feminized. There was actually a big article about that a couple weeks ago. Because there’s a heavier mound at the pubic area, it makes your penis look smaller.

Buck: Like a Barbie bump.

Kelly: Yeah, they call it the Barbie bump. There’s photos of naked, large men saying “Oh, you know, he can’t see his penis, so he must not be a man.” That kind of stuff is perpetuated with younger kids and then obviously that gets translated when you’re older.

Elle: Or “you throw like a girl.”

Kelly: Yeah.

Elle: What’s wrong with that?

Kelly: Yeah I throw really well.

Cathy: You have a question?

Speaker 4: Yeah I do. I know that Buck has done some interviews overseas and in other countries. And I would like some perspective from the panel about how the -isms change from which country we go to. And how we can start to change it here using some of those lessons. I’ve gone to the Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference two years in a row now and the genderqueer kids are blowing my mind. They’re not even in the picture for this, it doesn’t exist for them. And when it does they push back hard. And that’s a generation behind us that’s really changing things radically.

Buck: But it’s changing things within that community. And the thing is, though, there are -isms within that community, don’t let them fool you. They are awesome and powerful but I will tell you that they also pull that -ism shit within their own community.

Speaker 4: So that’s what we need to talk about.

Buck: Yes. I think what they’re doing is incredible but at the same time they do not respect the other people’s opinions about certain things, such as, for example, myself and my vagina. I’m very proud of my vagina, but they will tell you that it’s not cool that I call myself a man with a vagina. And they will fight back at me. And I’m like why, it’s cool that you call yourself genderqueer. Or “reclaiming words,” right? Such as using the word queer. I’m old-school, I’m from a long time ago where queer was a dirty, nasty word. And it’s cool, I’m all about reclaiming words, don’t get me wrong. But there are some words that some people don’t necessarily think are “good enough” to reclaim, such as the word tranny. So there’s those kind of -isms even within that community, I just needed to throw that out there. It’s an awesome thing, but they’re in their own world. They need to educate the rest of the world as well, not their own world.

Kelly: It’s definitely an -ism I’ve seen within the trans community, because I’ve done marketing and PR … when I’m not performing, I also do PR and marketing … for the transgender film festival. But they want nothing to do with “trannies.”

Buck: Exactly.

Kelly: They want nothing to do with the “porn” version of transgender, which is–

Buck: Derogatory.

Kelly: Right, because in that community it seems to be. And I can’t speak for that community. It speaks less about horomone therapy and changing who you are, and it’s more about plastic surgery.

Buck: And it’s your choice.

Kelly: Exactly.

Buck: It’s like whatever big kind of woman you want to be … I’m sure that happens within the big people community, that same -ism thing. Like you’re not big enough, or you’re skinny now. -Isms happen within communities, I’m sure you realize that. And sometimes that’s even more hurtful.

Njaila: There’s a lot of ableism in the body-positive community.

Elle: You’re being attacked by friendly fire.

 Cathy: Go ahead.

Speaker 5: So I’m looking at some research currently about folks with disabilities who partner with people with disabilities, and kind of what you were talk about, as, for example, a fat person who’s sleeping with someone who’s not fat … however, when people of color sleep with people of color and people with disabilities sleep with people with disabilities and trans folks sleep partner up, etc. there’s the whole concept of isolationism and, you know, you only stay with your own kind. Can you speak to both sides of that story, of having someone that actually gets it be a partner, but then also having that idea that you can’t actually step outside those boundaries to have someone feel uncomfortable with.

Kelly: Yeah, there’s definitely an idea of you’re going to date fat guys because you’re a fat girl. So when a guy that actually works out at the gym, takes really good care of his health, in his own vision of what that means for him, then seeks out a larger woman as a partner, it seems to, like, “why?” People are like “But you take such good care of yourself, why would you be with a fat girl.”

Speaker 5: Well fat people can take good care of themselves too.

Kelly: Exactly, thank you. But it’s also personal preference. Guys and girls who do kind of go to the extreme when it comes to going to the gym and having a chiseled body then seek out a larger male or female partner, that’s their personal choice. But it seems like, again, the peer group goes “Oh, if you’re at the gym six days a week why aren’t you dating another gym rat?”

Cathy: I think that a lot of the -isms is about defining people based on a physical characteristic. And humans are much, much more complex than that. So for me when you ask that question about, you know, is it okay or how should people decide about that, it’s like as long as you’re making a choice and seeing people as people, rather than identifying them as they have a penis or they don’t, or their BMI is over a certain amount. When we start connecting with people as people, then the rest takes care of itself.

Kelly: It’s actually a really good question, because Buck owns Buck Angel Dating, which is a trans dating site.

Cathy: I tried to get my brother to join, but he’s too scared.

Kelly: Is the majority of the people using that site trans, or do you have any like–

 

Buck: Actually they are trans but what’s happening is a lot of gay men are going on that site, actually seeking trans men, which is really awesome.

Kelly: Cisgender gay men or transgender gay men?

Buck: Cisgender gay men, yes. Which is really amazing for me, because I always wanted to open that door for a lot of gay men who felt really weird about being attracted to trans men because again there’s that thing: “I’m a gay man. How is it possible that I can be attracted to a man with a vagina? Does that make me gay?” Like wow think about that question, that’s pretty intense. What makes you gay?

Speaker 6: I want to speak to the elephant in the room, sex and the elderly. Everyone ages, but that kind of ultra ageism.

Speaker 5: There’s a panel tomorrow afternoon.

 

Kelly: We’re coming to that, we actually spent all lunch talking about being old.

Speaker 6: It’s as if we’re invisible. I was in the elevator with you (Kelly) and you were focused on where you were going and I was gazing at you. I’m not trying to point you out by doing that, it’s just like so many people are like that.

Kelly: I tend to travel in a bubble, sorry.

Speaker 6: I usually see that people don’t even look in my direction. The only reason I say that is because it’s just like we’re invisible.

Elle: Can I speak to that actually, just as a woman? I don’t think it has anything to do with age. Really, I don’t think it does. I think what it has to do with is being a woman we are often accosted a lot and made to feel ogled at and sexualized when we don’t want to be. So we automatically put ourselves in a bubble.

Kelly: In my particular case I’m not poly, I’m in a committed relationship even though I’m a porn performer, for three and a half years, I have a tendency to be surprisingly introverted. And so I tend not to go to parties unless I’m invited, I tend to be a hermit because of that. You know that, I’ve told you.

Elle: Yeah.

Kelly: Like the only reason I go out is because you text me and go “you’re coming out.” So if you would have said hello I completely–

Speaker 6: I usually do, but you really seemed like you were–

Buck: But you really think it has to do with your age?

Speaker 6: Yeah.

Buck: Have you noticed a difference since you’ve gotten older that people have reacted to you differently?

Speaker 6: Yes, once I tell them that I’m 66–

Kelly: You don’t even look it.

Speaker 6: Their eyes go low, it’s like becoming invisible.

Elle: You need to read a little Joan Price.

Speaker 7: One of my [inaudible 11:52] partners was 90.

Kelly: Yeah, I’ve done porn scenes with 78-year-old men, so I’m, yeah, I don’t have age issues at all.

Njaila: I actually think there’s a lot of women who seek out older men. When I was in college I was 19, my boyfriend was 53.

Buck: Awesome.

Njaila: I think as a society we do have a lot of media messages that you have to be young and sexy all the time or else you’re worthless. I grew up watching “The Golden Girls,” so I just thought I’m going to be fucking until I die. But I think that the people who came before that, and after that, we’ve come into this society that is obsessed with that “key” 18-35 demographic and it makes everybody else invisible.

Kelly: It is extremely difficult when society tells you that men reach their sexual peak at 18 and women reach their sexual peak in their mid-thirties. Which is not true, at all. But it makes it very difficult for older men and women. What happens once you’ve passed that peak, are you like not allowed?

Buck: Well that’s why you need role models, such as Nina.

Kelly: Yeah, Nina does a great job.

Buck: Who’s been working in the sex industry for so long. (to Nina Hartley in the audience)You’re 54, that is incredible. And you’re an amazing role model. You’re sexy, hot, you can see that, you know, smart. Well who care about smart, but? (laughs) Can I see your tits? I’m just kidding.

Kelly: But there are older men who do have porn careers of their own, both here in the states and in Japan. Dave Cummings is a perfect example of an older guy who, I don’t know how old he is …

Speaker 7: Is he still working?

Kelly: I think he just recently retired.

Speaker 7: But 78 I think it was.

Kelly: Yeah, but 78.

Njaila: Also male performers “last” longer. When you’re in an established career, you have people like Tom Byron, I think he’s been doing it for like 19 years.

Buck: Yeah, but he still has to get a hard-on.

Cathy: You had a question here?

Speaker 8: Yeah, I do. Culturally, I know we put a lot of power in the -ism. And I think individually, just with that last question, a lot of personal power is given to -isms. So I’m wondering if we can talk about your personal practices and processes of empowerment and embodiment. We speak so much about what’s going on in the media and it’s this, and this, and this, but really I think, from my perspective, embodiment and truth, like that’s very personal.

Buck: Right on.

Cathy: That’s beautiful and that was really the next question.

Kelly: I fall into a very interesting response to that, because I do get a fair amount of online bullying. If I do an interview on a radio show or if I’m on Huffpo or whatever, there usually is a certain segment of the population that wants to Internet troll and go “oh, you’re fat” and try to shame me. And my answer has always been, yeah, but I make money doing that. And that’s what people are asking me to do, is perform as a plus-size performer. So, if I lose weight I’ll lose that, so F you (laughs). But unfortunately that only allows me to be a role model for people over a certain age, and my issue is I’d prefer to be a role model for people who have to deal with the bullying when I went through the bullying, which was when I was younger. Unfortunately, as a porn performer I’m not technically allowed to do that. So that’s my sadness, and so hopefully over time I’ll be able to segue into something where I am maybe allowed to speak to younger people. I think part of it is communication and, like you said, role modeling. But I don’t think that I’m past all my -isms. There’s a lot of days I–

Cathy: I feel really good about myself. I get in a swimsuit or I go to a tantra meet up and be naked in a hot tub and be really happy, then one morning I get up and I’m like, “Oh my God! I’m so fat and ugly. How can I leave the house?” It still comes back.

Kelly: I contemplated doing this panel naked.

Elle: There would be no complaints here.

 

Buck: That’s not okay.

Kelly: Again, there’s a camera … there’s consent to that.

Buck: For myself, I really learned how to be positive. My life is all about positivity. I do not let negativity come into my life. When people write me scary emails and they’re going to kill me, I’m the devil and the anti-Christ, it just really makes me realize how important what I’m doing is because I’m touching on something that people don’t necessarily want to think about. For me, that’s a positive thing. I don’t react. Reacting is the worst thing you can do and because I believe that. When you put out positivity, positivity comes back. It’s really simple. I know it’s all wing-nutty and zen, but trust me, it works! That’s how I live my life. Once I got to that level of really understanding that people really are attracted to what I have to say and who I am because of my positivity. If was standing up here all angry, “No! I have a vagina, you have the …” people would just be like, “Hey!”

Speaker 1: Can you do that for us?

Buck: Yeah, what is that? That said, I only think I have many -isms … okay, I have a little bit of body issues. I have to go to the gym and build up my body, that’s my thing that I think that I have left over From, “This is what a man looks like and I need to be very masculine,” but I think other than that, I’m so okay with myself enough to where I would go to gyms all over the world and walk in the gym naked, the men’s gym. People don’t know what to do, which is so powerful. It’s incredibly powerful to have just my vagina out there in front of the world saying, “What?” It’s all about reclaiming yourself and it’s all about loving yourself. There will be -isms in the world forever. The bottom line, it comes back to yourself, sir, and your own -ism about your age. You’re an amazing-looking man. You seem like a cool person. It’s not about your age, dude, you have something going on there with yourself that you just need to be like, “Whatever? She wasn’t interested in you. Go to the next chick!”

Speaker 2: I have an idea that’s why you’re on the panel.

Elle: I think it’s also just coming off of that, Buck, is in that positivity, which is I think is really important for people who are really weighed down with something, anything, but it’s also looking for opportunities, because when you react to something emotionally, the emotion is real, but what sparked it is probably not real.

For me, I was dating someone and we wanted to fuck outdoors, so we went to a swingers’ spa in Southern California and I didn’t even think about it. I went to the door with him and I was all excited and I went, “Oh, wait! I’m 200 pounds, and I’m going to have to be naked.” I don’t know why it didn’t … because I was with someone who just didn’t see my body only. I went in there and I was shaking, upset and so scared, and I just went, “You know what? When am I going to enjoy my life?” I just took off my clothes and the moment I did that and I was like, “Here’s my stomach! My stomach is going like this,” and no one cared. I guarantee you.

Everyone’s worried about their own shit. No one cared! It was one the most freeing thing to have sex with my lover in front of people who are … with six packs, who normally I would have been just intimidated in front of, and didn’t feel like I was worthy enough to do that.

Kelly: That’s the cool thing about nudist communities because … nudist communities, not swinger communities, but nudist communities tend to have a larger percentage of people with normal bodies or natural bodies. It’s funny because I have a lot of friends in Tampa that has a very large nudist community down in that part of Florida, as well as the swinger community.

When the swinger community tries to go and events of the nudist community, it’s weird because they’re not comfortable because they’re used to exhibitionists, but it’s a different kind of exhibitionism, and then they go to a nudist colony and they’re like, “Everybody’s over 40.” Everybody’s got 30-40 pounds on them, but they’re just super comfortable walking around naked, whereas the swingers seem to be like, “Hmm …”

Speaker 1: Even if they can fake it till you make it so inside you’re going, “Oh my God!” but if I looked at you, I’m saying, “Damn! She’s okay with her fine self! Hi! What’s your name?” I learned how to be a stripper. I realized they can’t read your mind.

Buck: Right!

Speaker 1: As you smile and go up there and act confident people could go, “She’s confident!”

Elle: Also, if you’re not feeling confident, you can’t really fake it because you know it up here.

Speaker 1: With posture and smile and people can’t read it.

Elle: You can do all of that, but I think when you look in the mirror, there will be “cougars” around who will say, “Say you’re beautiful!” “I’m beautiful!” I just want to smack them. I don’t feel beautiful, don’t tell me what to feel. I’ll tell you what I will do. What I will tell people to do is look in the mirror and if you can’t say anything good to say, say something neutral. My mother said I’ve got nice nail beds. I think that today. Anything that’s neutral because you will make yourself laugh and it’s true.

Kelly: Now you’re a dirty girl.

Elle: You can’t see that because [crosstalk 00:05:56].

Buck: You can’t help the porn people, it just has to come out.

Kelly: This is the thing with public performers, we have to put on such a positive face all the time and so many of us actually do have insecurities. Sure, 80% of the time, I’m going to be like, “Yay, fat girls,” but 20% of the time when there’s like the hiccup that happens, when something goes awry, like with work or whatever, then all of those insecurities come tumbling down the hill. It’s just very important to know that if you do have a day or a few hours where you’re feeling down about yourself, you wanted to do nothing but cut yourself down, just walk away and not let other people feed into that.

Cathy: It’s really great to have a support group. I have friends that I can call and say, “I’m having a small day. Can you remind me of a couple things that are good about me?” There’s a lot of different things you can build into your system so that, “Okay, I’m having a bad day.” One thing I love is also to look in the mirror … and we talked about this before, just find one part of my body I like, like the back of my hand, the skin is smooth, and be present with that. I had to grow it from just the back of my hand and then gradually, “My eyes don’t really suck!” It was a process over a couple of years to start loving my body more, but we can have a lot of those systems in place.

Njaila: I also learned to deal with things, a lot of times people say, “It’s in your head, how people are thinking about you,” but sometimes you will have to deal with people that are thinking about you. I remember there was an after party at a New York swinger community and my friend really wanted me to go, and I’m very embarrassed to say they don’t let bigger people into this particular club’s events. I’m not allowed to go and it was hard for me to A) have to say that out loud because it’s something that’s embarrassing. Because you’re basically saying, “These group of people don’t think I’m good enough,” and then it was also embarrassing for my friend, who only wanted to go if somebody else would go with her, so now I felt like, “I’m a kill joy because I’m a fat girl.” What I do in those types of situation, I try to remind myself that there’s still work to do in the world to make it better. While it would be perfect in an ideal world that I could go to the swing party, chill and do whatever, not yet. I always look at myself and I always remind myself that I am a sexual subject, not a sexual object, and I have agency and power. While that one club could say, “We don’t think you’re good enough,” I also don’t think that a club that’s exclusionary is good enough for me.

Kelly: I’m very against self-segregation, especially with the plus-sized communities. There’s a tendency to have plus-size clubs, plus-size this and plus-size that. I have a tendency to go, “I want to do anything but that.” I’d much rather go where there are people who also have shapes and sizes and colors, but at the same time when there is a group that says, “No, you’re not invited,” that just gives me creative license to just go make my own because there’s always going to be other people who will like me.

Speaker 3: That was actually a great lead into this question I wanted to ask. Two of you spoke about education and modeling being needed for change, absolutely, but then there’s also on the other side of that, should folks that are fraught with -isms or in marginalized communities, be responsible for having to educate folks and I don’t think they should be.

What can allies do, whether it’s white allies or straight allies or [inaudible 00:09:36] allies or skinny allies or whatever you want to call, what does that look like around sexual … I think we can talk about overall racism and overall sizes. What does that look like as far as sexual freedom?

Njaila: I think it’s very similar overall, like being an ally is listening. I am very annoyed with the tumblr generation, cliqueivism! Everybody is a social justice warrior, but nobody’s actually doing anything. I feel like you could parrot the same talking points that make you an ally, but if you’re not actually listening to the people in the community and if you’re not reacting to what we have to say … It annoys me when I’ll be talking to somebody and I’ll talk about colorism and they’ll stop me and go, “You’re not that dark!” or “You’re not black.” No, this is something I’m dealing with, especially because mixed raised women aren’t supposed to actually look black. I was supposed to be a geisha dipped in tea. I am black-looking. That is something I’ve been dealing with.

If somebody wants to be my ally, I want them to listen to me. I don’t want them to say, “I know your issues, so let me tell you a thing about your life,” that doesn’t work. Also, I feel you could pick your battles. I started a new job, which is very weird for me, because it’s a very vanilla job and they’re greeting me, they’re all talking and they’re talking about my resume like, “She speaks Korean, that is so weird.” It was her fault because I guess they just didn’t put two and two together, it’s like, “Yes, I speak Korean. Half the people in my family are Korean.”

While I think maybe a younger me would have made a scene and be like, “Why the hell shouldn’t I?” I assumed that this person probably wasn’t thinking of it and I’m just going to let it go, not light up this board room. I think it’s knowing your battles. When you do have your … you’re going to make your stand, be able to articulate your point, not a dagger, where you’re accusing somebody, where it was like, “You were a bad person because you said XY and Z and you must now believe this because that’s what you said,” but explain to them, “When you say, it’s strange that I speak Korean, it makes me feel bad as a mixed-race woman, because I feel marginalized,” you should talk about how you feel.

Kelly: Yeah. If you respond to shame with more shame, or anger with more anger, everything just spirals downhill. If somebody comes at you and … anger is so weird in activism, to me, because I see a lot of that with people who are very “Rah-rah, sticks and fire, we’re going to go burn down …” it’s like … .

Cathy: That doesn’t shift anything.

Kelly: That doesn’t help acceptance at all.

Njaila: There’s the Exotica thing where … people were … I guess you should tell what happened, or let me tell what happened. Basically, Exotica has these awards and for different performers. For the BBW performer, it was called, “Hungry Hungry Hottie.”

Kelly: I thought it was totally fine.

Buck: It’s totally fine!

Kelly: It was funny because I’m hungry, I’m a hottie. I could be hungry for penises. I’m just like, you could spin everything in a positive way, but the BBW community really was like, “Hungry, hungry hippo.”

Buck: That’s probably Courtney Trouble.

Kelly: Why?

Buck: Because she likes to do that.

Kelly: It was a bunch of other people, too. When I luckily won, they changed the award to Whole Lot of Love which I was like, “That’s not hot at all. That just makes me want to cuddle and not hot.” Cuddling is fine, but it’s not the same thing. When I went up on stage, I was like, “I really would like to accept the Hungry Hungry Hottie Award.”

Buck: What?

Njaila: There’s a different way, like I said, I didn’t particularly like the Hungry Hungry Hottie because … there’s a bunch of categories in that, that I was like, “Eh,” they had a Hottest Not White Chick.

Kelly: Exotica’s a real tongue-in-cheek, no pun intended, fan-based convention.

Buck: For porn!

Kelly: It’s not about education. It’s a porn fan event and so they had Best Non-White Chick that it was the ethnic award. They had … Who’s your Mommy was the MILF award. TS I love You was the trans award. If you look at the bigger picture, you realized that they were just being tongue-in-cheek with everybody.

Buck: I have a movie called Bucks Beaver!

Cathy: In that case, it might be really good to ask people how they wanted to be supported or if they actually need support around something?

Njaila: If you disagree, you could disagree civilly, like we were talking on Twitter, why you weren’t bothered by it and I was like … I was actually more mad at the Hot Not White Chick one, but that’s just how I feel, like they could have maybe done it in different way that would make the performers want to be part of it, because it wasn’t just that people was like, “I don’t like the name.” Performers were like, “Don’t nominate me for this. I don’t want to participate.”

Kelly: BBW’s were like, “I’m boycotting this,” and I’m was like …

Buck: They’re only hurting the community.

Kelly: Right, you’re spending so many years asking for the mainstream porn community to accept you guys and have a BBW award because we haven’t had a plus-size award category ever, except for Urban X, which is the ethnic award show. I was just like, “Why don’t you celebrate the fact that we even have one?” You and I were able to go, “Okay, we have differences,” and that was that.

Buck: Back to your question about allies, “What can they do?” is they can choose their battles, and understand that we are putting ourselves out there. I’m not saying that everyone needs to go and educate. I am choosing to educate, and I know I’m choosing to take negativity on when I do that, trust me, I’m not, not aware of that, I’m completely aware of that. But, if I’m going to have allies and they want me to work for them, which is what I’m totally doing, and I have no issue about it, and I don’t care that I have 50 allies or 500,000 allies, it doesn’t matter, I’m still going to choose to do this work, but to me, the allies who say they’re your allies, but then they turn around and post that kind of stuff where they takes things out of context that you said and say this and that, that hurts the cause, and so we have to understand our cause is to change the way people think on all of these different levels

Kelly: Negativity and anger, nobody wants to be around that.

Buck: Especially within our own communities. That’s something that I’m going back to again because to me that something I take really, in a sense, personally, because it’s happened to me so much more than any other, is my own community has eaten me up and spit me out until I got to a level that I am sort of now, and now it’s like oh, wow, but before they would rip me a new asshole every chance they got, which is really strange to me, because my ultimate goal was to change it for everybody, it wasn’t to just be about me and that, It was to change it about everybody so as you can seeI’m very passionate about that ally thing because that’s a very great question and it’s also something that’s very touchy and weird.

Kelly: I think people have a tendency to want to watch drama, but they don’t actually want to be around it, and so if you’re going to be a good ally I would not offer to pick up the pitchfork and the glowing stick, and I would be like okay well what can we do to make something positive?

Buck: Yes, be positive.

Elle: You said something to me when we were doing our Skype where I said, we were talking about this panel and I said “well, I can’t really speak to the trans issue because I’m not trans, but I can speak to A, B and C”, and you immediately jumped in and said, “but you can be an ally, you absolutely can speak about that”, and it completely changed my way of thinking. because this is the great thing about diversity. Anybody can choose what they want to be an ally to. I’m involved in the Milk Foundation in Los Angeles. I don’t identify as gay, but I really believe in it. So, there will always be someone somewhere who’s going to advocate, and that’s the beauty of good will.

Buck: Thank you.

Elle: This is the great thing about diversity, is that anyone can choose what they want to be an ally to. I’m involved in the Milk Foundation in Los Angeles. I don’t identify as gay, but I really believe in it, so there will always be someone somewhere who’s going to advocate and that’s the beauty of good will.

Buck: Totally.

Kelly: It’s also good to see, if you’re good at something, and you can use it to help promote a cause, like say for instance, because I do, PR and marketing, I’m able to like help with free advertising and press releases and stuff for trans events, trans film festivals, that kind of stuff, because that’s something that I feel strongly about. I’m not trans, there’s certain things that I can’t feel like I can do as an ally, but I know that I can use the things that I am good at, and use it to the benefit.

Njaila: I guess also you should make sure the person that your to be an ally to is even an activist …

Kelly: They may not want that.

Njaila: My sibling is trans and he will not have any rainbow flags.

Kelly: We can’t take you dragging and kicking and screaming, going we are going to be your advocate.

Njaila: Sometimes you have to listen to what people say.

Audience: I just want to say I think it’s totally legitimate though to be angry about, not just to accept like oh good they’re recognizing bigger women, finally, but to be angry about something you would consider racist especially if they’re giving you this title and it’s not something that you are choosing to call yourself, it seems like that that’s a legitimate response. Not to settle for oh good they’re accepting us finally.

Kelly: But I think that there’s also constructive ways of promoting the good that’s happening, and not promoting the stuff that’s bad. Yes they’re bring light to certain negative things that are happening in the world, but if you give positive reinforcement to things that are good then people want to do more of that.

Buck: You know change doesn’t happen overnight and sometimes you do have to take those little steps.

Kelly: Like here’s a good example. Just in the past year Exxxotica had their very first BBW award in a mixture of other awards. This year, Nightmoves, which is an adult awards show, just added a BBW category and as a result AVN in January is going to have their very first BBW award.

Buck: I know, awesome.

Njaila: It’s not called hungry, hungry, hump.

Kelly: It’s not called hungry, hungry, hottie, although it’d be okay if it was, for me.

Buck: Just to let you know, I won the transsexual performer of the year at AVN, a first transsexual man ever in the history of the porn industry, that’s changing things, it means they recognize the fact that transsexuals are men and women [inaudible 00:05:02] because I kept pushing at it, yes I am a tranie to. There are transsexual men, there are transsexual women, people didn’t even get it within the porn industry where you think there’s everything in the porn industry; there’s clown porn, [inaudible 00:05:18] I’m like, a man with a pussy? I’m sorry, but clown pron is way more over there, don’t even try it.

Kelly: Because some people are really scared of clowns.

Buck: I know.

Njaila: It’s so important that you put yourself out there to do it, because with my sibling, he was so discouraged when he was going through his transition, he was like, I really don’t know what I’m going to be when this over, and can I function as a regular person, and then he found out about you and he was like, yes, I’ll be okay, I guess.

Buck: Awesome. Way to go, that’s so cool.

Cathy: So we need to wrap it up. One thing I’d like to, like when you were asking about how people say something negative, it really helps me to remember how scared I used to be and that I was very negative about fat people even though I was fat, most people that are saying negative things are coming from a place of ignorance and fear so yelling at them or shaming at them or creating drama isn’t going to … people that are scared don’t learn better.

Kelly: Of course.

Cathy: So if we can calmly talk to them, and assume that they mean well, they just don’t know better, people actually shift a lot faster when we do that. I’d really like to thank everyone so much for being here, for this great panel.

Buck: Awesome.

Cathy: Thanks for making a difference in the world.

Buck: Awesome.

 

 

Nov 202013
 
Bedded Bliss copy
MEETING KRISTINA WRIGHT
by Lady Cheeky

I met Kristina Wright in Washington DC last year when we were both reading stories at Rachel Kramer-Bussel’s special one-night only, In the Flesh Reading Series of erotica evening at CatalystCon East. We met in a common way one meets others at a convention …  walking through the convention hall on the way to the elevator after a session. She looked familiar so I smiled, hoping I looked familiar too and she could remind me where we met. She smiled back, looked at my badge and said “Lady Cheeky? I follow you.” Ever since Twitter became a “thing”  the phrase “I follow you” has become the modern version of complimentary social recognition. I looked at her badge and recognized her name, not as the prolific writer and anthologist that she is known as, but as someone which whom I had shared fun tweets in the past. I knew I liked her online and now meeting her in person, with her easy smile and warm poise, I liked her even more.

We struck up a conversation consisting mainly of repartee and conference chit-chat.  I learned that she was a writer (“I’m a writer too!”) and that she was reading a story at Rachel Kramer Bussel’s  In the Flesh Reading Series event that evening (“I’m reading at In the Flesh too!”) and I thanked the Goddesses above that I had someone cool to sit next to. Truth be told, I was terrified to be reading my story in front of people. I had impulsively volunteered to be a reader that day, intentionally too fast to let my fear dictate my decision. My story was true and still a little raw as I was supposed to meet the subject of my lust (and love) on this particular trip, but we had broken it off for the final time 3 days before. Now I was going to read an emotional, sexually explicit story to a roomful of erotic literary legends … not the least of which I had just unknowingly met in the elevator mentally assigning her as my “social anxiety buddy.” Poor Kristina didn’t know what she was in for.

That evening I entered the assigned ballroom and grabbed a seat. Kristina walked in shortly after and before I could commandeer her to sit next to me, she was already putting her jacket on the seat to my right.  We chit-chatted and I told her a bit about my fears of reading, being a newbie in this sea of cultivated wonders, of hoping my voice didn’t shake or I didn’t profusely sweat, cry or vomit enough as to be distracting. She laughed with me and comforted me … acknowledged her own uneasiness with reading and convinced me I would be fine and more importantly, safe.

The evening began as Rachel Kramer Bussel (a literary giant in her own right) introduced the authors and highly respected sex educators; Reid MihalkoJoan Price, Carol QueenEmerald … and then Kristina Wright. When Rachel read Kristina’sbio I was stunned. Only then did I realize I was basically sitting next to the Joyce Carol Oates of erotica.  Prolific, awarded, published in over 80 anthologies and the editor of countless others, it was clear Kristina was particularly respected and revered and as she read her story it was clear why. Kristina’s writing style is restrained enough to be classic and yet detailed enough to be captivating. For a writer of any genre, one needs to self edit, constantly making certain that every word earns its way in. This is a painstaking task and a part of writing that often discourages and separates the wheat from the chaff. This is especially true (in my humble opinion) of good erotica and romance writing as that category seems to sit at the children’s table of the literary world.

Erotica and romance writers need to be that much better, so as not to cement a stereotype of erotica as salacious pulp fiction. In erotic romance you not only have to be a good writer, adhering to all the rules of fiction writing standards for any genre, but you have to heighten it with explicit scenes of passion, desire, sensuality while keeping it real enough to relate to. Within this construct, a talented erotic romance writer must create dramatic concupiscent relationships that are at once believable AND thrilling AND hot. Kristina Wright does this in spades, weaving a story so simple, yet so occupied with genuine tactile emotion and texture, that even in a short story you come away with the unforgettable feeling you tangibly witnessed a personal moment in someone’s life.

Since that evening I have been a fan of Kristina Wright not only as a person but as a talent. And though we only spent that little time together and have since kept in touch on Facebook, I do consider her a friend. So it is with great pleasure that I participate in this blog tour for her latest anthology as editor,  Bedded Bliss: A Couple’s Guide to Lust Ever After. Kristina has chosen riveting stories by talented authors with the surprising and refreshing theme of “hot monogamy.” Interwoven with tips and tricks to keep any partnership fresh and fevered, this is a unique compilation to say the least. I’m proud to be able to share with you an EXCLUSIVE EXCERPT from Bedded Bliss  (below) by Anya Richards.

            ***
Made To Last
By Anya Richards

The year from Hell stretched to two, and everything thatcould go wrong did.
For my husband and me sex wasn’t the answer, but it sure went a long way toward
helping us reconnect,remember what’s important and release some of thepent-up stress.
With a reaffirmation of the bonds we share,we were once more ready to face the world, together. 

It’s one o’clock in the morning, and I’m wide-awake. This isn’t anything new, unfortunately. Recently sleep has become an elusive, craved and yet frightening concept. It sometimes provides relief, sometimes makes things worse, as problems follow me into dreamland and continue their unrelenting torture.

Beside me, my husband sighs and rolls onto his side. From the tenor of his breathing I know he’s dead to the world, and annoyance flashes through me.How can he sleep so soundly, night after night, while I lie awake, my brain unable to shutdown long enough for me to nod off? But I know I’m not alone with my fears. All the signs of stress are there in him too. Just this evening I looked across the living room and caught him staring out the window, eyes unfocused, fingers tapping asharp, staccato rhythm on the arm of his chair. He’s usually calm, almost serene, just the type of man a high-voltage woman like me needs. He’s my anchor, the voice of reason when I’m tempted to go off the deep end. It hurts to see him obviously restless, with worry etching new lines into his beloved, beautiful face. Staring up into the darkness, I start cataloging our problems,the relentless cycle starting anew. Instantly the muscles in my neck tighten and my stomach knots. I try to think of something else—concentrate on the plot of my latest book—but within minutes I’ve somehow circled back to reality. Sometimes I think I’d feel better ifI could just cry, let it out, but that’s not my way. Tears have always been something to avoid, repress, fight. They’re a weakness I can’tallow myself. If I start I might not be able to stop, and that thought scares me more than any other. For me, that heralds the onset of madness.

As though sensing my terror, my husband moves closer, his arm settling across my stomach. That simple touch, the sensation of his warmth so close, brings a sob close to the surface and I’m forced to swallow it down. I don’t feel as though I deserve his affection right now. I have a sneaky suspicion the blame for our current problems rests squarely on my shoulders. Yet, it feels so good having him beside me. Instead of moving away I roll onto my side, facing away from him, and spoon closer.

READ THE REST (AND EVEN MORE HOT MONOGAMY EROTICA) IN
BEDDED BLISS: A COUPLE’S GUIDE TO LUST EVER AFTER

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ABOUT BEDDED BLISS: A COUPLE’S GUIDE TO LUST EVER AFTER:

It’s fairly easy to fall in love (or lust), but keeping that passion hot and heavy after twenty years of marriage can get tricky. Kristina Wright has two toddlers and a red-hot marriage, and there’s no one better suited to helping other couples make lust last. Bedded Bliss: A Couple’s Guide to Lust Ever After pairs hands-on advice for long-term lovers with steamy tales to inspire couples to enact their own erotic adventures. Each chapter begins with “sensual suggestions” for keeping in touch—literally! Read real advice and stories from couples, who have a combined total of a whopping 235 years of long-term relationship experience, and find out what works for them to keep their fires burning steady and hot.  Romance writer and editor Wright re-invents the sexuality genre, presenting a guide that simultaneously educates and entertains. Bedded Bliss is a treasure trove of resources for couples to ensure that monogamy will never again mean monotony.

 

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Kristina Wright (kristinawright.com) is an award-winning author whose erotic romance fictionhas appeared in over seventy-five anthologies. She is also the editor of several Cleis Press anthologies of romance, including BestErotic Romance 2013 and Duty and Desire: Military Erotic Romance. Kristina teaches both English and Humanities at the college level. She lives with her family in Chesapeake, VA.
Nov 202013
 
Bedded Bliss copy
MEETING KRISTINA WRIGHT
by Lady Cheeky

I met Kristina Wright in Washington DC last year when we were both reading stories at Rachel Kramer-Bussel’s special one-night only, In the Flesh Reading Series of erotica evening at CatalystCon East. We met in a common way one meets others at a convention …  walking through the convention hall on the way to the elevator after a session. She looked familiar so I smiled, hoping I looked familiar too and she could remind me where we met. She smiled back, looked at my badge and said “Lady Cheeky? I follow you.” Ever since Twitter became a “thing”  the phrase “I follow you” has become the modern version of complimentary social recognition. I looked at her badge and recognized her name, not as the prolific writer and anthologist that she is known as, but as someone which whom I had shared fun tweets in the past. I knew I liked her online and now meeting her in person, with her easy smile and warm poise, I liked her even more.

We struck up a conversation consisting mainly of repartee and conference chit-chat.  I learned that she was a writer (“I’m a writer too!”) and that she was reading a story at Rachel Kramer Bussel’s  In the Flesh Reading Series event that evening (“I’m reading at In the Flesh too!”) and I thanked the Goddesses above that I had someone cool to sit next to. Truth be told, I was terrified to be reading my story in front of people. I had impulsively volunteered to be a reader that day, intentionally too fast to let my fear dictate my decision. My story was true and still a little raw as I was supposed to meet the subject of my lust (and love) on this particular trip, but we had broken it off for the final time 3 days before. Now I was going to read an emotional, sexually explicit story to a roomful of erotic literary legends … not the least of which I had just unknowingly met in the elevator mentally assigning her as my “social anxiety buddy.” Poor Kristina didn’t know what she was in for.

That evening I entered the assigned ballroom and grabbed a seat. Kristina walked in shortly after and before I could commandeer her to sit next to me, she was already putting her jacket on the seat to my right.  We chit-chatted and I told her a bit about my fears of reading, being a newbie in this sea of cultivated wonders, of hoping my voice didn’t shake or I didn’t profusely sweat, cry or vomit enough as to be distracting. She laughed with me and comforted me … acknowledged her own uneasiness with reading and convinced me I would be fine and more importantly, safe.

The evening began as Rachel Kramer Bussel (a literary giant in her own right) introduced the authors and highly respected sex educators; Reid MihalkoJoan Price, Carol QueenEmerald … and then Kristina Wright. When Rachel read Kristina’sbio I was stunned. Only then did I realize I was basically sitting next to the Joyce Carol Oates of erotica.  Prolific, awarded, published in over 80 anthologies and the editor of countless others, it was clear Kristina was particularly respected and revered and as she read her story it was clear why. Kristina’s writing style is restrained enough to be classic and yet detailed enough to be captivating. For a writer of any genre, one needs to self edit, constantly making certain that every word earns its way in. This is a painstaking task and a part of writing that often discourages and separates the wheat from the chaff. This is especially true (in my humble opinion) of good erotica and romance writing as that category seems to sit at the children’s table of the literary world.

Erotica and romance writers need to be that much better, so as not to cement a stereotype of erotica as salacious pulp fiction. In erotic romance you not only have to be a good writer, adhering to all the rules of fiction writing standards for any genre, but you have to heighten it with explicit scenes of passion, desire, sensuality while keeping it real enough to relate to. Within this construct, a talented erotic romance writer must create dramatic concupiscent relationships that are at once believable AND thrilling AND hot. Kristina Wright does this in spades, weaving a story so simple, yet so occupied with genuine tactile emotion and texture, that even in a short story you come away with the unforgettable feeling you tangibly witnessed a personal moment in someone’s life.

Since that evening I have been a fan of Kristina Wright not only as a person but as a talent. And though we only spent that little time together and have since kept in touch on Facebook, I do consider her a friend. So it is with great pleasure that I participate in this blog tour for her latest anthology as editor,  Bedded Bliss: A Couple’s Guide to Lust Ever After. Kristina has chosen riveting stories by talented authors with the surprising and refreshing theme of “hot monogamy.” Interwoven with tips and tricks to keep any partnership fresh and fevered, this is a unique compilation to say the least. I’m proud to be able to share with you an EXCLUSIVE EXCERPT from Bedded Bliss  (below) by Anya Richards.

            ***
Made To Last
By Anya Richards

The year from Hell stretched to two, and everything thatcould go wrong did.
For my husband and me sex wasn’t the answer, but it sure went a long way toward
helping us reconnect,remember what’s important and release some of thepent-up stress.
With a reaffirmation of the bonds we share,we were once more ready to face the world, together. 

It’s one o’clock in the morning, and I’m wide-awake. This isn’t anything new, unfortunately. Recently sleep has become an elusive, craved and yet frightening concept. It sometimes provides relief, sometimes makes things worse, as problems follow me into dreamland and continue their unrelenting torture.

Beside me, my husband sighs and rolls onto his side. From the tenor of his breathing I know he’s dead to the world, and annoyance flashes through me.How can he sleep so soundly, night after night, while I lie awake, my brain unable to shutdown long enough for me to nod off? But I know I’m not alone with my fears. All the signs of stress are there in him too. Just this evening I looked across the living room and caught him staring out the window, eyes unfocused, fingers tapping asharp, staccato rhythm on the arm of his chair. He’s usually calm, almost serene, just the type of man a high-voltage woman like me needs. He’s my anchor, the voice of reason when I’m tempted to go off the deep end. It hurts to see him obviously restless, with worry etching new lines into his beloved, beautiful face. Staring up into the darkness, I start cataloging our problems,the relentless cycle starting anew. Instantly the muscles in my neck tighten and my stomach knots. I try to think of something else—concentrate on the plot of my latest book—but within minutes I’ve somehow circled back to reality. Sometimes I think I’d feel better ifI could just cry, let it out, but that’s not my way. Tears have always been something to avoid, repress, fight. They’re a weakness I can’tallow myself. If I start I might not be able to stop, and that thought scares me more than any other. For me, that heralds the onset of madness.

As though sensing my terror, my husband moves closer, his arm settling across my stomach. That simple touch, the sensation of his warmth so close, brings a sob close to the surface and I’m forced to swallow it down. I don’t feel as though I deserve his affection right now. I have a sneaky suspicion the blame for our current problems rests squarely on my shoulders. Yet, it feels so good having him beside me. Instead of moving away I roll onto my side, facing away from him, and spoon closer.

READ THE REST (AND EVEN MORE HOT MONOGAMY EROTICA) IN
BEDDED BLISS: A COUPLE’S GUIDE TO LUST EVER AFTER

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ABOUT BEDDED BLISS: A COUPLE’S GUIDE TO LUST EVER AFTER:

It’s fairly easy to fall in love (or lust), but keeping that passion hot and heavy after twenty years of marriage can get tricky. Kristina Wright has two toddlers and a red-hot marriage, and there’s no one better suited to helping other couples make lust last. Bedded Bliss: A Couple’s Guide to Lust Ever After pairs hands-on advice for long-term lovers with steamy tales to inspire couples to enact their own erotic adventures. Each chapter begins with “sensual suggestions” for keeping in touch—literally! Read real advice and stories from couples, who have a combined total of a whopping 235 years of long-term relationship experience, and find out what works for them to keep their fires burning steady and hot.  Romance writer and editor Wright re-invents the sexuality genre, presenting a guide that simultaneously educates and entertains. Bedded Bliss is a treasure trove of resources for couples to ensure that monogamy will never again mean monotony.

 

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Kristina Wright (kristinawright.com) is an award-winning author whose erotic romance fictionhas appeared in over seventy-five anthologies. She is also the editor of several Cleis Press anthologies of romance, including BestErotic Romance 2013 and Duty and Desire: Military Erotic Romance. Kristina teaches both English and Humanities at the college level. She lives with her family in Chesapeake, VA.
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Nov 122013
 
Rachel Kramer Bussel shows of her latest anthology, The Big Book of Orgasms.

What do cupcakes, Hello Kitty and sex have in common? The answer is best- selling erotica writer, editor and anthologist Rachel Kramer Bussel. Aside from being a talented and accomplished erotica writer in her own right, one is immediately attracted to her girly sense of whimsy, fawning over cupcakes and Hello Kitty anything, to her keen sense of the carnal and concupiscent. It’s this sexy and charming juxtaposition that makes Rachel  and her work so alluring.

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WIN a copy of The Big Book of Orgasms from Cleis press!
CLICK THE BOOK ABOVE!

Her latest (and some say greatest) anthology The Big Book of Orgasms: 69 Sexy Stories (available in paperback and Kindle from Cleis Press) was just released this month. Not even half way through November and The Big Book of Orgasms has already  been able to glean enthusiastic reviews from readers and reviewers alike. This accomplishment has made me extra enthusiastic because I am lucky enough to have written one of those 69 Sexy Stories. You can read an excerpt from my true tale HERE. Perhaps the best part of this new anthology is it’s bite size portions of scream worthy stories (no more than 1200 words each) that make your entire body pulsate and sing.

There are some super-stars of erotica between those covers including: Emerald, Tess Danesi, Stella Harris and Rachel Kramer Bussel herself as well as some newbies (like myself). The Big Book of Orgasms is 351 pages tightly packed into a snug 7″ x 5″ paperback package you can carry in your pocketbook, perhaps fodder for 69 of your own sexy orgasms.

I asked Rachel to give me a list of her five favorite sex toys and a lube. Since one of her favorite sex toys IS lube, I decided to leave it at that. It’s an eclectic and sexy mix. Would you expect anything else from the Empress of Erotica?

RACHEL KRAMER BUSSEL’S FIVE FAVORITE SEX TOYS:

Hitachi Magic Wand – my favorite, must have, go to vibrator. I use it to get off and to relax and also sometimes for back pain.

Tantus Pelt Paddle – though really all their silicon paddles pack a wonderful punch. I can’t take them all the time but when I get spanked with them it’s a special treat.

Crave Droplet Necklace – I love anything that I can multitask with, and this necklace is beautiful, makes me feel a little naughty when I wear it since I know I’m wearing something that can vibrate, and makes me feel like I can whip it off at any time and put it to good use. I also like that it’s small but strong.

Juliette Cuffs de Luxe – I’m a sucker for silk, and these feel and look amazing.

BabeLube by Babeland Lube! Last but not least, lube is the sex toy I use the most often and for the most variety of sexual activities. Main one I use is BabeLube, I’m not tied to it but like the pump bottle.

 WIN A COPY OF THE BIG BOOK OF ORGASM FROM

SMUT FOR SMARTIES AND CLEIS PRESS!

ENTER HERE!!!!

 

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Hitachi Magic Wand

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Tantus Pelt Paddle

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CRAVE Droplet Necklace

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Juliette Cuffs De Luxe

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BabeLube

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rachel Kramer Bussel:

Rachel Kramer Bussel is a New York-based author, editor, blogger and event organizer. She has written for numerous publications, including Alternative Press, CNN.com, The Daily Beast, The Frisky, Gothamist, The Hairpin, Huffington Post, Inked, Jezebel, Lemondrop, Mediabistro, The Nervous Breakdown, New York Post, New York Observer, New York Press, Playgirl, The Root, Salon, San Francisco Chronicle, Time Out New York, The Village Voice, xoJane and Zink. She has edited 40+ anthologies for Alyson Books, Avon Red, Cleis Press, Pretty Things Press, Ravenous Romance and Seal Press, including Anything for You: Erotica for Kinky Couples, Suite Encounters: Hotel Sex Stories, Going Down, Irresistible, Women in Lust, Orgasmic, Fast Girls, Passion, Obsessed, Bottoms Up, Spanked, Tasting Him, Tasting Her, Gotta Have It, The Mile High Club, Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories, Best Bondage Erotica 2011 and 2012, Best Sex Writing 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2012, and 6 of her anthologies have won Gold IPPY (Independent Publisher) Awards for Erotica and Sexuality/Relationships. She has contributed to over 100 anthologies, including Susie Bright’s Best American Erotica 2004 and 2006 and X: The Erotic Treasury, as well as The Sexual State of the Union and Yes Means Yes.

Rachel conducts reading and erotic writing workshops worldwide, and including Chicago, Las Vegas, London, Minneapolis, New York, Portland, San Francisco, Seattle, and Toronto. She has presented, spoken and taught at conferences including Dark Odyssey, Erotic Authors Association, Sex 2.0, and SXSW. For five years, she hosted In The Flesh Erotic Reading Series in New York City, which featured 300 readers, including Kevin Allison, Jonathan Ames, Laura Antoniou, Mo Beasley, Susie Bright, Lily Burana, Kerry Cohen, Jessica Cutler, Mike Daisey, Mike Edison, Stephen Elliott, Polly Frost, Gael Greene, HoneyB (Mary Morrison), Debra Hyde, Maxim Jakubowski, Diana Joseph, Jillian Lauren, Neal Medlyn, Scott Poulson-Bryant, Julie Powell, Josh Kilmer-Purcell, M.J. Rose, Susan Shapiro, Danyel Smith, Grant Stoddard, Cecilia Tan, Carol Taylor, Jo Weldon, Susan Wright, and Zane, among others. Rachel holds a bachelor’s degree in political science and women’s studies from the University of California at Berkeley.

 

Oct 162013
 

“We’re All Perverts”: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality with Christopher Ryan

Published on Oct 14, 2013 by ReasonTV on YouTube

Humanist_March_Apr11.indd“If you look at us as a species, we’re not very impressive,” says author Christopher Ryan. “What we’re good at is forming complex social networks.”

Christopher Ryan sits down with Reason contributor Thaddeus Russell to discuss his book, Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. Together with Cacilda Jethá, Ryan has written about the history of human sexuality and why we should fight against “socially imposed restrictions.” By looking at archaeology, primate biology, human physiology, and anthropological studies of pre-agricultural tribes from around the world, Ryan says we aren’t meant to be in life-long monogamous unions. Watch the video above as Russel and Ryan discuss desire, jealousy and the harmful consequences of repressing healthy sexuality.  About 27 mins.

Sep 062013
 
Attractive young couple
By Lady Cheeky – Originally published on this site 9/27/2011
Dating in Los Angeles. I’m starting to realize it is the rare man who is actually a “gentleman.” Yes, I consider myself a feminist and a strong woman. But, I am also … a “lady.” I believe you can be both at the same time.  I want to believe that there are men out there who can appreciate a strong woman, who knows what she wants AND who likes to be treated like a “lady.”  By “lady” I don’t mean being treated with kid-gloves or holding back a curse word or two. I mean a gentleman who is genuine, kind, has manners and who truly feels it an honor to be spending time with his date …  and shows it.  The last couple of men I have gone out with (not including my FWB/Lover) it has been painfully obvious that they just want to hop into bed.  I think we all know that I am not opposed to that … IF the feeling/chemistry is right.  But,
 to be sitting across from someone who is trying every trick in the book to get you in the sack and then pouts when you politely redirect the conversation is disappointing, tiring, boring and frankly, disrespectful. I love heat of the moment sex,’ but I also love being treated as whole person in my sensuality and not just an evening’s  recreation. Who would? Sometimes, when I explain my philosophies on sex and what I do, I see a glazed look appear on their faces and the conversation becomes less finding out about me, but asking questions towards a goal of easy sex. Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels this way. Writer, Jessica Wakeman of the

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website TheFrisky.com gives her view of what a “gentleman” is:

” … if I had to define it myself, this is what I’d say: A real gentleman is rare and is someone who treats everyone well—not just the chick he’s interested in. A gentleman is polite to everyone, thoughtful to everyone, considerate to everyone. Yes, a gentleman can be chivalrous, but that’s not the only qualification. Gentleman are chivalrous, but not all chivalrous guys are gentlemen. Most of all, if a guy boasts about what a gentleman he is, he probably isn’t one.- Jessica Wakeman, What Does Being A “Gentleman” Mean These Days?, TheFrisky.com – 7/20/09

It’s clear that the idea of what a “gentleman” is, is up for debate. However, one should always expect basic courtesies like table manners and certainly if he’s not polite to the valet or the dry cleaner or the waitress that’s a HUGE red flag and you should run the other way. But for me it doesn’t stop there. Where are the men that take pleasure in the art of seduction? The men that know it takes at least a week to seduce a woman (and even longer to woo her). The men that realize that a well-wooed woman is a thousand times more apt to provide reciprocal attention, than a woman whom he cajoles into bed. Men, we want to “see” you as well. Show us who you are. Let us in. We’re thirsty for it. We will, in turn, shower you with affection, passion and appreciation. Show us you are attracted to the whole woman – honor us –  and not just the pussy and tits. Take your time and you will win our hearts as well as our lustfulness. We want you as much as you want us. We want a life filled with passionate sex and intimacy that also has plenty of room for recreational fucking.
But …  Women need to feel that we are wholly yearned for. You must earn her desire. I mean, isn’t that the fun part for both of you anyway?  Isn’t it the tension-filled “dance” that precedes rich and satisfying passion?  We are sexual beings bursting with our own unique sensuality and we want to express it with you. And because of this, your restraint and (hopefully) authentic interest in us as individuals, even if we’re not relationship potential, is notice and appreciated.  Respecting our womanhood AND our personhood is truly valued. There is no set amount of time this process takes, all women are different .. but, I guarantee that after the proper “wooing,” sex with your new paramour will be more satisfying for both of you. Especially if the wooing and seduction are done thoughtfully, with pleasure and given generously.
That’s just my two cents :)  
Here are some articles/sites I enjoyed on the subject:
May 192013
 
bella-key1m

Maddie sunk into the deep feathertop of the full sized guest bed. The rhythmic push and pull of the surf lulled her into a state between sleep and wakefulness. Slipping into an exquisite dream, she lay on a beach blanket, the sun beating down on her back as she grabbed a fistful of sand and let it slip from her fingers. Warm liquid drizzled along her shoulder blades and down her spine. Her muscles relaxed under strong but soft and delicate hands massaging the oily substance evenly over the planes of her back. Her nerve endings stood on end as she gathered her hair into one hand. The pads of fingertips circled the base of her exposed neck, before traveling over her shoulders. Maddie sighed as the same talented hands continued down her spine, applying pressure to her lower back and pushing her pelvis into the warm sand. Heat surrounded her mound while her bikini bottoms slid down inch by inch until the sun kissed the bare skin of her ass cheeks. She tried to pick her head up to discover the owner of such wonderful hands but her heavy head and eyelids wouldn’t cooperate. She gave up without a fight and settled in to enjoy the erotic massage. More oil drizzled over her newly exposed skin and her bottoms were swiftly whisked down her legs. Warm skin nudged her thighs apart while administering circular patterns over her ass. The hands were familiar but not large and calloused as those of most men she’d been with. They were delicate with smooth fingernails, which raked over her sensitized flesh. She moaned louder when those fingers slid down her ass to her desire-swollen nether lips.

“Please…yes…”

The words weren’t from her lips. Maddie held her breath. More muffled moans combined with the crashing surf put her body on alert. But she also recognized another sound – a softly grinding motor. Maddie sat up and perked her ears. Her heartbeat pounded in her chest as she realized Sunny’s breathy moans filled her ears.

“Mmm…yes…”

Maddie slid out of her bed and crept to the partially ajar door. The floorboards creaked and she froze. Sunny’s moans stopped for a moment before resuming with a flurry of audible breaths. Maddie’s curiosity got the best of her and she slinked into the hall, the call of Sunny’s passion beckoning her like a moth to a flame. The hallway was dark but a sliver of moonlight shining through Sunny’s door offered enough light for Maddie to view Sunny on her knees. One hand gripped a post of the headboard, the other held a pink device at the apex of her thighs. Maddie retreated a step as Sunny threw her head back. But she couldn’t return to her room. She couldn’t look away from Sunny’s raven hair caressing the crease where her hips met her smooth waist. Maddie yearned to trace her fingers along the woman’s curves. She leaned against the wall outside of the woman’s room and slid into a crouch. Cupping her panty-covered mound in her palm, she rubbed circles around her outer lips over the fabric in unison to Sunny’s moans. The purr of Sunny’s vibrator changed from a steady hum to quick short revs. Maddie bit her lower lip so as to not allow an audible moan to escape her lips, as she slid her hand inside her panties. She closed her eyes and imagined that Sunny’s moans and cries were coaxed by Maddie’s own touch instead of a powerful vibrator. Spreading her legs further apart, Maddie’s fingers mimicked the rhythm of Sunny’s device. Sunny’s grip on the headboard tightened and she called out Maddie’s name. For a fleeting moment, Maddie considered making her presence known. But instead she stayed in the shadows and her own climax soon followed. Shocked at what she witnessed and the arousing effects it had on her, she slowly crept to her room. It wasn’t her first experience getting aroused by another woman but it was the first time she was close to acting on her desire.

copyright © 2013 Scarlet Chastain

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For more steamy, erotic encounters between Sunny and Maddie, check out Scarlet Chastain’s new book “Bella Key” available on www.ScarletChastain.com / Evernight Publishing / Amazon US / Amazon UK / AllRomance eBooks / BookStrand

DESCRIPTION:

Maddie Jacobs must be crazy. At least that’s what her mother thinks. Professionally, she’s confident and secure; personally, she’s a hot mess. Not even a marriage proposal from a man who adores her can quell her search for something more.

In need of an escape, Maddie flees to Key West’s most southern island, Bella Key, to rest and recharge at Casa Bonita. She almost gives up on weekend retreat when the Bed & Breakfast is closed for repairs until Sunny Rojas, the inn owner, extends an offer of friendship, sweet tea and a room. Still reeling from a breakup with her longtime partner, Sunny is thankful for the diversion from her own broken heart.

The arrival of a fierce storm forces the women’s emotional journey to a head and leads them into each other’s arms. But can Maddie throw her hangups to the wind and go with her heart? The magic of Bella Key teaches her that passion cannot be placed neatly into boxes labeled right and wrong, because love knows no boundaries.

AUTHOR BIO:

Scarlet Chastain is the semi-secret pseudonym of a multi-published, best selling author of sensual erotic romance. Scarlet’s focus is female-centric sizzling stories written about women, for women.

She lives in the suburban shadows of New York City but her heart belongs to the beaches of Key West. Scarlet can usually be found in her favorite chair of her newly acquired writing cave with her maltipoo, Coco.

Stalk Scarlet here:

Website: http://scarletchastain.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Scarlet-Chastain/524838890901873

Twitter: @scarletchastain

Email: scarletchastain@gmail.com

 

 

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