I loved this when I first read it and recently went back to it again. So smart. -LC
By Nicole Daedone Originally published on her blog www.NicoleDaedone.com on 8/8/12
This is what I have come to understand. There is absolutely zero context for men to know how to fuck a Turned On Woman—meaning a woman who is free, who is capable of what I call Unconditional Sex; sex that is not saddled with “conditions” such as promises of wedding proposals, dishwashers, babies. A woman who owns her sex and does not need to use it for barter, who has the wealth and luxury—both energetic and emotional—to use it for her pleasure.
A man I’ve been seeing said, “Yeah, we (men) don’t know what to do because that kind of woman is like a unicorn”.
Sex has been the purview of men, and as such its uses have mostly been masculine. Not a problem in and of itself, but in my opinion a woman’s touch is needed in the arena of what it “means.” I see a polarization of sorts, where, running from sex-as-gravely-significant or sex-for-procreation, the masculine veers way to the other end of the scale: devoid of any emotion, connection or caring; wanton, gluttonous. The only reasons for a woman to engage would be (a) desperation, (b) the “god-given” woman’s agenda (to snag a man in her snare) or, worst of all, (c) that she approaches sex “like a man.” In the present context it is absolutely impossible that a woman could maintain her femininity; still like to yield and surrender; want deep connection and love sex… with—gasp!—more than one person. (Oh, and not be salacious and therefore open to anything from BDSM and gang bangs.) Within the game as it exists, this is a total non-sequitur.
We lack gradients, we live in an either/or perspective. Either a woman’s legs are locked and closed and safe and healthy or else they are open to just about anything flying in there. In the present context it is unthinkable that a woman could both practice discernment and feed her beast. I suppose that it is assumed that she is too fragile to tame the thing. And I suppose this is because we underestimate the power of love as the most powerful trainer.
One of the responses I get most often is that it is intimidating to be with a woman who is facile in the arena of sex. Not “thank god,” not “finally we can see what this thing can do,” but “how do I compare to other guys?” Which leads me to believe that men are not liberated sexually either. Their prowess only goes so far, it is in the hunt, but the having, the devouring is beyond both sexes. There is a hungry ghost rattling around the male psyche that rarely gets exposed. When it does, it goes something like this: I am good at wanting, craving, reaching, begging, but when the food is placed on my table, for some reason I am incapable of eating it. Part of the conditioning of the male psyche is that for a man to admit that he didn’t pounce, it would mean that he was of all things a “pussy,” the worst thing for a man to be, and her sexual appetite makes her a harlot, too man-like—put your negative connotation here—the worst thing she could be.
What I am getting is that we are in one of those Chinese finger locks, both are stuck, each hoping the other has the solution. Yes, the solution is to stop pulling away from each other. It is to stand in the face of this orgasm and brave our various sets of conditioning in order to enter and meet inside of it.
As far as I can tell the biggest challenge for women is a sense of hopelessness that it will ever be “any good”, that it will ever be sex from her native land, the kind where her body can open and she can lose herself. Time and again I hear, he’s too rough, he’s too fast, he doesn’t have enough attention. When I ask these women if they show these men what to do or slow them down, they sink into the paralysis of learned helplessness with an underlying preemptive anger. (And the unconscious fear of being the deer who suddenly turns and tells the lion how to take this meal to the next level.) The assumption is that a man doesn’t want to learn. And I would say, yes, learning occurs in the brain as physical pain. Yes learning is hard. No one likes it. And ultimately it is the only thing that brings us gratification. And I sincerely have never met a man who was not open to suggestion—sometimes they feel clumsy and stupid and try to hide it with bravado (like we all do), but with care and communication, they do have a deep desire.
The biggest challenge I see that men face is the “what is in it for me” mentality, which is devastating in the arena of sexuality. Great for business, bad for orgasm. The daemon which is a fundamental sexual energy, the necessary element of self-seeking that takes her, has run a bit rampant in the conditioned psyche of man such that no matter how much he grabs, he never gets his. That is the real nature of a hungry ghost. The conditioned psyche of men in this culture is that they can grab and grab but they cannot ingest. The daemon has got a hold of them and they are doing its bidding and it will never be gratified. This is why we see masculine driven sex in this culture as empty calories; that devoid of emotion, it is based solely on consumption but not nourishment. And it is a catch-22 in that the constant craving for more that in turn leads toward self seeking prevents the actual nourishment that would bring gratification.
Women hold the counter-pose or the antidote. But dammit, we won’t administer it. We won’t administer it because to do so we would need a place to plug the IV into and that would be straight into the vein of sex. And all the things that would signify about us that we are unwilling to claim. But this isn’t mere weakness or petulance. It lies in the fact that one’s capacity to stand in truth, to not lose oneself in a sea of opinions, to live essentially in an autonomous mind, a room of one’s own, is a result of contacting one’s own daemon as one does through… you got it… orgasm. Again, catch 22— she does not have the muscle to steer sex into the arena of what she likes and wants because she is not having the sex she wants which would develop that muscle. In other words, women do not have the power surging thorough them to withstand judgment about their sex and so do not bring the “other half” of sex, that would nourish both, into the equation.
But someone’s gotta give. You can’t go to the gym to look good enough to go to the gym. At some point you just gotta face the fact that it is going to hurt. Guys, it is going to screw with your masculinity but you are going to have to be with a woman who is facile enough in the sexual arena, free of all of the signifiers that make you a man, like the agreement to play chaste and subservient. And you are going to have to reward these women for giving you an education that hurts in the receiving. And that will require you to postpone the “getting yours” because in this case “yours” is the receiving of this education which is more a marathon than a sprint and will result in you shifting into a mindset that goes from mere quantity to quality, which ultimately nourishes you and quells the craving or converts it into depth.
And women friends, you are just going to have to withstand the throwing of tomatoes. What is the alternative? Keep your orgasm tamped down for another thousand years because you were unwilling to be called a few names or forego the illusion of there ever being a savior. Yes, there is a savior and guess what— you are it. You are here to save sex from the devastating state it’s in, unless porn, and weird sex where you have to use foreign words like yoni, or medicalized sex replete with medication, is your thing.
Here’s where you start. You admit you want it. Then you determine that are going to make it good. Not that you are going to hope and pray beyond all hope that this guy will be the one to magically “get it.” You are going to insure beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is brilliant and successful. You are going to make it through the dip. The dip is where everyone quits. It’s what Organic Chemistry is to medical school: the class that filters out about 80 per cent of students because it is so challenging. And the dip in terms of your orgasm is your willingness to withstand judgment about being a Turned On Woman. If you can make it through that dip, you have earned your stripes and deserve to have access to the power that orgasm can bring. But you’ve got to earn your chops and withstand the presumptions and assumptions about what it means for a woman to be sexual and then even worse, right when you want to konk them on the head and say “are your out of your friggin’ mind?”—you are going to educate. You are going to educate people into a new way— a way where sex without conditions does not mean sex without consciousness. In the same way it is not weakness that has one able to love unconditionally, it actually stems from strength, it is not desperation that has a woman sex unconditionally, it actually stems from power.
With this in mind, I thought I would give a little guide for the guys as to how to prepare to meet with a Turned on Woman. Sort of like when you are going to camp and they tell you how to prepare—this is How to Prepare to Fuck a Turned On Woman. Mind you, this is just how to prepare to fuck this turned on woman, but in holding up my end of the deal, the one where I make sure that you are brilliant and successful with me—here goes.
We can make this very easy. Set a time and show up on time. Both of us will be feeling a certain anticipation. We will be riding that edge of turn on and irritation. The more we can both stay inside the parameters we agree on in terms of logistics, the more we will develop trust and the more powerfully we can let go. I know how to manage sexual tension in my body, how to allow it to build and build. To a point. Often you hear about a woman being dramatic. Its not drama—it’s screech level anticipation. I want it to be that you show up and I am in the sweet spot—that line where I am having you and wanting you both. I cannot tell you how many guys “got lost on my way” coming over to have sex.
A context needs to be set because this is neither a bootie call nor a marriage ceremony. Alan Watts once said that life is far too serious to be taken seriously. This is as well. Again we are looking for a sweet spot where, on the one hand, we acknowledge that we are exploring together in the most charged, intense, potential that exists on the planet; and on the other, in the same way Suzuki Roshi says that enlightenment is just sitting—this is just sex. The experience begins when we agree to meet, and from that moment everything from wondering what I should wear for you to feeling a throb in my pussy when I imagine you being here, is part of it. I include everything, which makes it that much richer. It is like going to the symphony and being attuned to every note. Somehow doing this creates an experience of losing oneself. That is the ultimate experience that I am looking for with you—for each of us to lose ourselves and discover what is there when we do. =
For this reason I like it when you text or email me your thoughts, desires and hopes and fantasies about what is to come as they arise. It’s a way I get to be inside of you. In the private place. Sometimes it is like I get a whiff of you beforehand, or I will think about the night and feel my pussy swell. I want to tell you. I want to know anything and everything you want to share with me. All of it. I want to know your guts and your soul. I am an infinite player, and as such everything is of consequence. I want to know all of your wiring so that I can flick as many switches as possible. I am willing to share anything and everything with you.
Please show up sans scent. I am an animal. I need to smell you. I don’t want you to mask your fear, your desire, your lust. There is no scent to me that is better than your scent—you are in my bed because you are you and I want to know exactly what that is. This is not to say that I am in any way averse to you showering. I’m not. I like Dove, Ivory and Dr. Bronners soap on a man. And I am good with deodorant although I will not get to stick my face in your underarm pit: a favorite of mine.
I am good at guiding us so if you are nervous or tentative let me lead. I will feel for the transition points and guide with nods. If necessary I will direct you. If you feel comfortable, confident and at ease you are welcome to lead. I was born to surrender—I lead only to make it more comfortable for you but I have no particular desire to do so. I would love to be a woman in your arms. And I am happy to be a woman with you in mine.
That being said, you will determine the intensity and dimension of the experience. I once had a teacher say that the heartbreaking thing is that so much is available and people want so little. I have a similar experience. I am happy to “just fuck” or suck your cock. But you should know that there is an infinite world available. Fucking is great but flying is really what it is about. And how you fly is you open to every potential imaginable. We could fall—into climax, into an abyss, the unknown, in love. We may glimpse eternity. I have no idea what our particular configuration will animate when connected. The only thing that I know is that to the extent that we are open to every possibility—irrespective of who we are in a dimension outside this one (the everyday world with its list of preferences) the more complexity and momentum we can get—hence the more beauty we can access.
FYI, I am not freaky-kinky. If we happen to fall into a scene where it is resonant for you to be some kind of bad spanking daddy—so be it. If it is an experience that actually increases sensation and connection I am down. But my experience is that most people crank up the activity in place of the missing sensation. Were we to lie face to face lips touching barely for 9 hours and the sensation were explosive, I would be just as happy. In other words I am interested in what wants to happen, not in making something happen, not in following an agenda for hot or an instruction manual for sexy. My pussy is turned on already so I can guarantee the turn on. And the more natural and organic it is the more turned on my pussy gets. So there are a few things that every guy wants—the infamous threesome, the banging that pussy from behind and ride’er hard, the fucking her throat with your cock. I can tell you that I have no predisposition towards these—not because I am opposed but because they tend to be clunky and uncomfortable for the most part. They are far too complex to do well in most cases. But should it be that it feels right. Okay.
I know, I know—its okay to confuse this with a bootie call. Perhaps think of it more like church, because if it’s up to me you will see god. Reverence is the appropriate response. You can afford to be nice—a nice you’ve never been. You can afford to be gracious. You can afford to let me in and see how good it feels, that maybe you’ve never felt like this before. I will know it all anyway, I am down in your basement, remember? The more you express it though, the deeper we can go, the less separated behind the glass wall we remain. I am willing to love you wholly and completely. I am not afraid of losing myself in you. First of all because I know my way back. But secondly because if you are so good that I get lost, then that is a place I am happy to be lost inside of. Consider doing the same.
If the sensation decreases we can slow down and talk or lie there together. I look at our relationship as an ongoing experience. I like to end on the peak so that we are left still tasting a certain hunger for each other. There is always more available so there is no need to stuff ourselves.
That said—up front and honest—how I work is that if you can have me, then you can have me. I do what I do, I do see more than one man. I know that it can get confusing as to how to be with me. I know that part of the turn on of sex is possession. In fact without it, there is no grit. So this pussy is yours so long as you command my attention. And should it be that you have the capacity to hold my attention until the end of time, I am perfectly happy with that. You do not ,however, need to demand anything of me, or try to guilt me into doing anything, or attempt to make me feel like a bad person in order to get me to love you. That one only works with a woman who isn’t full, who is desperate for love and attention. I come to you as a gift, as an offering. The way you get more is you appreciate what you get. Oh, and this one seems beyond most people—you simply ask. My predisposition is to say yes—no need to angle or cajole. If you want something, make a request and know that my desire is to say yes, and if I can I will. If I can’t I won’t. I will be clear.
I’ve mentioned it before but the bed is our island. Say anything and everything you feel and desire. We will not be held accountable for what is said on the bed. If you ask me to marry you on the bed, I will not drag you to the jewelry store the next morning. I want it to be that all things involuntary can occur. Freely. Because underneath that top layer is the really good stuff but it is usually locked down by the “things we can’t say.” By the way, I’ll be saying it too. And then we will get out of bed, put on our clothes, kiss good night and be on with our lives. When we get back in that bed, we can pick up where we left off, like picking up a good book.
Nicole Daedone is a sought-after speaker, teacher, and author who has spent her groundbreaking career redefining orgasm from a woman’s point of view. Starting with her fundamental belief that a woman’s sex is her power, she treats supposedly taboo subjects with unparalleled humor, intelligence, and insight.
Nicole is the author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (Grand Central/Hachette, May 2011) and is the founder of OneTaste, a company that offers training in orgasm, communication, and man-woman relationships through online media and in-person coaching and courses. The practice at the heart of her work is called OM or Orgasmic Meditation. OM uniquely combines the tradition of extended orgasm with Nicole’s own interest in Zen Buddhism, mystical Judaism and semantics. Helping to foster a new conversation about orgasm—one that’s relevant and real—she has inspired thousands of students to make OM a part of their everyday lives.
Her work has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Post, the San Francisco Chronicle, and 7×7 Magazine, among others, and her writing has appeared in Tricycle magazine. She is also a featured speaker at the 2011 TEDxSF conference.
For more about OneTaste and OM, visit www.onetaste.us. Nicole’s blog appears at www.nicoledaedone.com.